A Book Review: Whit's End Mealtime Devotions

The good folks at Tyndale House Publishers sent me a free copy of Whit's End Mealtime Devotions to review.  I was especially excited about this opportunity because we fan's of Adventure's In Odyssey and we have experimented in mealtime devotions for the last month or two...with mixed success.  With four little boys at the table...this momma is always looking for ways to steer the conversation to things of God and away from the sounds your body can produce.  {snicker}

Each devotion is one page long...short enough to keep my little movers and shakers interested.  You'll find a mealtime prayer, an "appetizer" which includes questions to discuss, and then the "main course" where the verses are connected.  Each "mealtime devotion" is ended with a review and then "vitamins and minerals" which serves as a summary.  From start to finish, each devotion could take as little as 10 minutes...or longer if you encourage discussion. 

We enjoyed the book and I would recommend it to other families who are always looking for ways to keep their eyes on Jesus and avoid biological humor at the dinner table.  {grin}

It's a Dangerous Cycle & Catching Up (part 1)

I find myself caught in this crazy cycle regarding this blog.  It just seems that all of my "pistons" are not firing at the same time.  For example, I get ready to blog about some sort of happening in our lives and then: I don't have photos uploaded, I seem to run out of time/creativity,or most commonly,  after a day of settling disputes and keep the children occupied - I am left unable to write in complete sentences.  Then, after a long silence on the ole family blog...I am overwhelmed by the thought of catching up.  So, I just continue to neglect the blog. 

Lately, as I look at my sweet little men it's so evident that they are growing and changing at such an alarming rate...it makes my heart race if I dwell on it.  These days are crazy, loud, chaotic, busy, overwhelming, dirty, messy, and completely wonderful. {sigh}  The days go by so quickly, consumed with activity and cleaning up from said activities...that I forget to savor them.  These are some of the sweetest days of my life and I need to have a record of them.  My children and I will need to read about these days and remember how God provided, protected, and loved us.

So, with that being said...it's time to "fire up" the blog again! 

Poor Luke was sick on his birthday (second year in a row) and had to cancel his party. 

Opening gifts seemed to make him feel better, for a while.

A few weeks later, we celebrated his birthday with our dear friends, The Bellew's.

With our 4 kiddos and the 5 Bellew kiddos - it was a party!

enjoying some cake!

Sam and I were able to attend a NCAA game in Lexington,  The Butler Bulldogs over Bucknell!

Over Spring Break, we took a tour of the Ale-8 factory in Winchester, KY. 

Our lovely friend, Miss Katie, joined us!

 

 

The Johnson clan with their first bottle of soda.

Matthew lost his first tooth!  At age five, he is the youngest Johnson to have ever lost a tooth!

Caleb still has all of his teeth, but apparently lost his mind!  {little comedian}

Birthday Boys!

I've been living in denial.  As if my baby boys wouldn't actually be another year older now if I didn't blog about it and document it with pictures.  {snicker}  Those cute little boys who rocked our world and doubled the number of children in our family entered the world five years ago on January 25th.

It's been a big year for them.  Learning and growing so much and working hard to keep up with their bigger brothers.  It's been a joy to watch their personalities change and their interests develop. 

Caleb really enjoys drawing, writing, coloring, building Lego creations, wrestling, giggling, being read to, snuggling, and dreaming about skateboarding when he "gets taller." 

Matthew is a lover of people.  He loves to engage people around him (friends and strangers, alike!) in conversation.  He is incredibly "physical" and loves any activity that requires him to be in motion!  His first love is basketball.  We have an indoor goal and foam ball that transforms our living room into a gym...and Matthew plays daily.  He loves to be outdoors and "adventure" is among his favorite words. 

Sweet Matthew loves to write his name!

 

Our dear friend, Mr. Dave, was so patient in helping Caleb with his new Lego set.
 

Cupcakes!
 

The boys were blessed with some very generous gifts from their friends and family.
 

 

 

Caleb opening his gifts.
 

They requested just a few friends to join them for the birthday fun.  What a blessing to see Caleb and Matthew enjoy being loved and celebrated!  Sweet little fellas were sure to thank everyone for their gifts...and delighted in having some new things to play with.

        Happy 5th Birthday to my sweet little boys!  We love you, Caleb and Matthew!

Hello 2013!

So, the last blog post was a bit heavy and emotional...because sometimes life is like that.  It's also light and funny at times...God is present in both.  I am grateful.

New Year's Eve holds no special place in the life of our family.  Our kiddos are relatively young...and lack of sleep makes them grouchy and mean.  Who needs more of that in their lives?  Not this momma! {snicker} I got enough of my own!  My dear hubby is also an early to bed, early to rise sort of guy...so, it's really asking too much for him to stay up past midnight just to kiss me and let out a "whoot!" for the new year.  So, I am usually the only one up to watch the ball drop and usher in the coming year.  Honestly, we are really fun people - the fun just usually happens before midnight!

We are not big "resolution" sorts of people, either.  But, this year was a bit different.  As we sat down to dinner on January 1, 2013...I asked the boys to think of a goal they had for the coming year.  I explained that a goal was something you wanted to accomplish, to get better at something, a new habit you wanted to gain, etc...  You know, just to get their "wheels" spinning and inspire some good ideas. 

So, our responsible first-born responded with something about not wanting to fail third grade (he is an excellent student - and not in danger of failing) and wanting to help poor people.  Love his heart.

Then, we moved around the table to our youngest child (4), who said something I can't remember and then something I hope I never forget, "I am going to try to not pick my nose when we go to special places."  Ha!  I love the honesty...and what exactly would qualify as a "special" place? 

Next up, our second born kiddo...with a big heart.  He shared about how he wanted to share things that he had with people who didn't have very much.  He also wanted to give his food to hungry people.  Love this.

Around the table again, to our third born...who shared that if he "gets lots of money" he will share it with the poor.  I love his generous heart and pray that he isn't planning to play the lotto.  {snicker}

So, I began to notice a theme developing...God is growing our boy's hearts for the "least of these."  So, I guess we had all better get moving in that direction in more intentional ways (that our boys can see).  I've been praying for opportunities that are age-appropriate for our kiddos. 

We've also begun a new habit for the new year.  We're reading this little gem (for the life of me, blogger will not allow me to open a photo of the cover here) each day after dinner.  I have been reading the adult version of "Jesus Calling"" for a few years now...and I love it.  It blesses me and reminds me of Jesus' great love for me. 

So, we are reading it together daily as a family each night.  As is much of our life, sometimes it's a blessed time together and other times, it's a total train wreck.  {snicker}  We're learning to embrace it all!

Happy Birthday, Jesus!

The advent/Christmas season is such a rich time for our family.  We have deep-seated traditions that add meaning and act as an "anchor" of sorts for our family.  My boys know that we will drive around in our pajamas looking out the foggy windows of our minivan to see every light display in nearby neighborhoods.  They count on making and icing Christmas sugar cookies...being sure to add as many sprinkles as possible.  My boys know that we will gather with our extended family for food and fun.  They know that we will watch Linus remind us of the "real meaning of Christmas" at least once each year...and they also know that I will wipe my moist eyes when sweet Linus has finished.  {grin}  Sam, Luke, Caleb, and Matthew will probably always expect to receive new pajamas each Christmas Eve (matching, of course).  My boys know that we will bake/decorate a birthday cake for Jesus and sing to him on Christmas day (although, I hope they don't remember that the only candle I had in the house this year was in the shape of a "9").  I hope that someday (if the Lord should tarry and they are blessed with family's of their own) my boys snuggle under warm blankets and read special books about the amazing gift God gave the world in His sweet baby boy, Jesus.

As much as I love these traditions, they make my parent's absence even more noticeable.  It's sort of a bittersweet time.  This time last year, my dad had just recently gone home to heaven and it was our second Christmas without my mom.  It's hard.  My own childhood was rich with family traditions...my mom was crazy about Christmas!  My heart is filled with the joy of Christmas and my heart aches to celebrate with my parents.  Things are good...but, very different.  Sometimes, my heart longs for what used to be. 

More than any temporal feeling of happiness or sadness, my heart is filled with joy.  The kind of joy that comes from a friendship with Jesus.  What an amazing thing to know that God wanted so desperately to know us...really know us and for us to truly know the depth of His love for us - that He sent a baby.  As a mother, this part of God's plan is not lost on me.  A helpless, adorable, needy, sweet baby was sent to save the world.  Amazing. 

Trick or Treat 2012

Living in a small town has its perks.  One of them is Trick or Treating on Main Street.  The local fire department uses their trucks to block off Main Street for a couple of hours and businesses, churches, and even individuals pass out candy to little treat-seekers.  It's really quite a social event in our little town.  {grin}  For the most part, there are no creepy costumes...and you're always sure to see a grown-up man in his Winnie the Pooh costume.  My kiddos look forward to seeing him each year. 

I know that many folks have differing opinions about Halloween and participating in it's festivities.  Honestly, I am not sure what we would do (or not do) if we didn't live in Wilmore.  Our "trick-or-treating" is a fun and friendly experience for families.  My boys love to dress up - the excitement is over the top!  They love to see their friends and neighbors all dressed up, too.  We go downtown and gather candy, play a few carnival games, and then go home.  I am so thankful that our sweet little town avoids the gorry, creepy, evil side of this holiday.  We're able to claim it for fun family memories instead.  And there were certainly lot's of memorable moments to enjoy!






My four little "treats" posing in front of the Wilmore Fire Truck.
 

Mario (Caleb) & Luigi (Matthew)
I still giggle each time I look at this pic.  {little sweeties - big 'staches}
 

Sam was one cool "ninja"
Can't believe how big he is.

Luigi & Mario found a Transformer!
Luke loves robotic things that move and twist...s
o, he was super excited about this costume.

Caleb's "big eyes" face.  Cracks us up everytime!
 

The Johnson boy's with their jack-o-lanterns.

While we were gathering treats on Main Street we found another Mario and Luigi!
This is one of Brad's students and his son. 



All aglow!

Fall Break Fun - 1st Day

The boys and I decided to make the most of Fall Break and travel to Indiana for a few days.  Brad was elbow-deep in books - teaching himself Aramaic in just 6 weeks for a major test as part of his PhD process.  So, it was a perfect time for us to skip town and have some fun...and leave Brad to study without interruption or the guilt of not being home with us. 

So, we I packed our bags and we took off in our mighty mini-van.  We had borrowed several books on CD from our local library and loaded up on snacks and drinks...we were set!  The boys were well behaved and the travel was easy.  We did spend about 45 minutes at a stand-still due to a semi-trailer accident.  The boys and I talked about the book we were listening to and prayed for the people involved in the accident...and the wait didn't seem so long.

We arrived in time for some visiting, some dinner, and some sleeping.  The next day, we headed to the Indianapolis Zoo.  Our dear friend, Miss Lori, volunteered to come along with us.  We nearly had the place to ourselves and enjoyed a great day!  I was pregnant with the twins the last time we visited a zoo, so we were long overdue for some face time with the animals.  The dolphin show was a highlight and the penguins were a huge hit, too.  We can't wait to go back again. 

The boys loved this penguin's "bad hair day."

My favorite animals at the zoo.





Luke and Matthew up close and personal with the tiger.



Miss Lori, Luke, Caleb & Matthew waiting for the dolphin show to begin.

Comfort.

I found myself wide awake while the rest of my family slept and the house was eerily silent.  My mind and heart were simply too full, too busy, too restless.  Sleep simply would not come.  So, I got out of bed and made my way to the living room.  I wrapped up in a soft blanket and began to think and pray.  I was once again struggling to find my way through the fog of grief. 


A friend from my elementary school days recently lost her father unexpectedly in a car accident in our hometown.  Immediately, my heart was heavy and I began to pray for her and her family...to "carry that burden" as found in Galatians.  The loss of a loved one is too heavy a burden to carry alone.  So, I find myself in that familiar place again...heartbroken for a friend and grieving my parents deaths once again.  I miss them.


So, as I sat on the couch praying and thinking...I heard the sound of pudgy little feet coming down the hall.  My little boy, Matthew, was awake.  He needed to go potty and was afraid to go into the dark bathroom without a "growned up" person.  So, we made the trip together and then shuffled back to his bed.  He asked me to snuggle with him until he fell asleep.  I simply couldn't resist that sweet invitation.  As we lay together in the dark, God used my little boy to minister to me.  Matthew said, "Mom, did you know that God was with me when I was borned a long time ago?  He was there in the beginning and He was like the wind.  Did you know that, Mom?"  I reassured Matthew that God had always been with him and that He always would be.  Matthew grinned.  Then he said, "Mom, Poppy whispered in my ear that He loved me and I was special."  I told him that his Poppy (my dad) loved him so very much and Matthew was very special to Poppy and to Jesus, too.  Matthew smiled a crooked little knowing grin and said, "Mom, I already knowed that." 


I replied, "I am so glad that you did already know that, Matthew.  Thanks for reminding me."
I needed to remember that God loves me, He is with me, this grief and sadness are not more than I can bear with his help, and how blessed I was to have such amazing parents.  I don't travel this road alone...God is near.

    If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there;
if you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath.  

Psalm 34:18

More.

Calvin Lee “Bud” Sherrow, 70, of Hagerstown went home to Heaven on November 16, 2011.  

 He was born January 7, 1941 in Richmond, Indiana to Joseph Sherrow and Betty (Sherrow) Parrett. 

Bud earned his GED and went on to serve in the United States Army.  He served overseas and had fond memories of his time spent in Germany and Korea.  Following his service to his country, he returned to Richmond.  He worked at Kemper Cabinet Company for nearly 38 years, retiring in 2003.

Bud married Judy Hunter Sherrow on October 7, 1967 and welcomed three children into their family.  Bud was a loving husband, father, and grandfather.  He was a loyal brother, uncle, and friend.  Bud was happiest spending time with his family, making memories with his grandchildren, reading, and gardening.

Bud is survived by his children: Jeff (Laura) Sherrow of Hagerstown, Tony Sherrow of Richmond, and Christina (Brad) Johnson of Wilmore, KY;   his nine grandchildren: Ashley Sherrow, Morgan Kincaid, Zackery, Grace, and Lillee Sherrow, Sam, Luke, Caleb and Matthew Johnson.  Also surviving are his siblings: Harriet Clark of Franklin, IN, Charlie Parrett (Carol) of Richmond, and Carl Parrett (Sandy) of Richmond.  He also leaves an aunt, several cousins, nieces, and nephews.    He was preceded in death by his wife, his parents, his stepfather, Ed Parrett; his sisters, Joan Clapp, Carol Simpson, and Brenda Riddle; and his grandsons Dylan Sherrow and Austin Sherrow. 

A celebration of Bud’s life will be held at First United Methodist Church at 318 National Road West in Richmond on Saturday, November 19^th at 10:00 am.  In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to Gleaners Food Bank at 3737 Waldemere Ave. Indianapolis, IN 46241 or www.gleaners.org.

This is my dad's obituary that will appear in our hometown newspaper.  The words are all accurate and true...but very inadequate.  He was much more than the information contained in those paragraphs.  

I have been thinking about how by "worldly" standards, my dad lived a pretty unremarkable life.  Aside from his military travels, he lived and died in the county where he was born.  He got married to a nice girl, raised three kids, worked at the same job for 38 years...nothing really "exceptional" about his life - in fact, he would seem to be a very ordinary guy.  

However, what most folks don't know is that my dad really was extraordinary.  He and my mom were the most generous people I have ever known.  While they were never wealthy - they always gave as if they were.  Honestly, I can remember my folks giving/loaning money to people my entire life.  My mom was always volunteering my dad to do things - like delivering Christmas gifts/dinner to someone who had none, helping to fix someone's leaky sink who couldn't afford to pay a plumber, restoring an old bicycle to give to a little neighbor girl who didn't have one, driving my grandmother to play bingo with her friends (grin), fixing someone's car or furnace, and he even helped to paint my mother-in-law's home.  My dad's heart was broken when our childhood friend's young son died of SIDS...the only child and apple of his parent's eyes.  They wanted to donate all of his things.  They gathered up his crib, his toys, his clothes...and my dad went to pick them up and deliver them to the donation site.  He told me about how sad he was for the young parents and how difficult it was to see all of the things that this little guy should have used for a long time to come.  

My dad was much more than a blue collar guy from Indiana...he was a care-giver, he was an encourager, he was a story-teller, he was decent, he was loyal, he was a good man, he was the most patient person I have ever known, he was a very attentive grandfather - he really knew his grandchildren, he was amazing.  He was more than just an "ordinary man" - he was my dad.

Silent.

My blog has been silent for the past few months.  Not because I lack things to write about, rather there is too much going on in my heart, my mind, my life...words don't come easily.  However, sleep wouldn't come easily tonight...and words seem to.

My dad had a heart attack in June.  I got the phone call that no one wants to receive from my oldest brother in the early hours of the morning.  I packed a bag and made the drive to Indiana.  Ten months after my mom's sudden death, I found myself in another hospital room.  Listening to the sounds of monitors, watching the blinking of lights on machines that were delivering medications, and did my best to take in what was really happening. 

Later that afternoon, I met with my dad's cardiologist.  He shared the ultrasound images of my dad's heart.  It was not good news.  I listened as he gently explained that the damage was severe, that blockages had gone undetected, and then he stopped.  He collected his thoughts and then went on to tell me that my dad's case was very different than any he had seen before.  My dad's heart was severely enlarged - not a normal symptom related to the heart blockages.  The doctor asked if my dad had experienced any traumatic emotional event in the past few months.  I felt my throat tighten and my eyes began to burn...I could feel the tears coming.  I explained that my mom had died earlier that year.  He told me that my dad was probably suffering from Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy or "broken heart syndrome" in addition to the other cardiac issues.  He smiled and said, "Your dad must have really loved your mom."  He mapped out what the next few days would look like...tests to be run, meds to be administered, and questions to be answered.  It was all just the beginning of a long journey.

After a week long hospital stay, my dad was released.  The docs told us that he was gravely ill and would most likely not survive a month.  The next few months would bring a decreased appetite and dramatic weight-loss, the placement of a permanent pacemaker/defibrillator, changes in his diet, and incredible fatigue.  The lack of energy seemed to bother him most.  We determined to take advantage of the time we had with him.  He shared time between his home in Indiana and our house here in Kentucky.  Making lots of memories with his grand kids, having really rich conversations about the past and the future, and just loving one another.  What a tremendous gift God had given us.

Nearly five months later, we find ourselves at another crossroads.  The hospice nurse tells us that he will most likely meet Jesus in just a matter of days now.  I find myself so thankful that his suffering will end and the joy will begin...but, my heart is also filled with sadness.  I will miss him. 

Although I am overwhelmed, I know that God is with me.  He loves me.  He is able to bear my burden.  He will carry me.

"The Lord your God goes with you; 

He will never leave you nor forsake you."  

Deuteronomy 31:6

 

Life.

If the boys didn't sleep...I don't think I would blog at all!  The days seem to be so full and I have more duties than energy to complete them.  This is the story of every mom's life, right? {grin}

  

The day seems to go by in a whirlwind of activity.  Then, when the boys are all in bed and the house is quiet...I collapse into a heap on the couch.  If I am fortunate, my hubby sits next to me and we watch something mindless on TV and chat about the events of our day. 

     Brad has been working in the evening...trying to keep up with the many classes he is teaching this semester and ministering to his students.  The house is a mess.  The toys strewn about the house are evidence of a hard day's work by our little boys.  The messy kitchen is evidence of a meal prepared with love and shared around the table by our tribe.  There is a pile of books near the rocking chair in our living room...further evidence of how this momma spent her afternoon.  Sam has a new chapter book from the library resting on the table near the couch...evidence of the independent reader he has become.  The evidence is everywhere....they are signs of life in this place.  This is what makes this house our home.   

     The pace of life is hectic...but, so incredibly rich.  We're blessed.  Brad has a job that he has been called to and he enjoys his work.  He is blessed to work with some amazing colleagues and students who challenge and inspire him.  We're parents to four healthy, happy, rambunctious little boys who are growing in stature and in faith.  The laundry is never done, the kitchen is always littered with dirty dishes and crumbs on the floor, and there are toys scattered around the house...but, I honestly love it.  Life is not without it's challenges...but, I wouldn't have it any other way (most of the time).

The Dynamic Duo (Caleb on left, Matthew on right) enjoying a book together.

Sam working on a masterpiece.  The date is incorrect.

..the little boy is wonderful.

Luke celebrated his 5th birthday on March 9th.  I can hardly believe how quickly the time has passed.

   

These Two at Three.

I remember the day well, three years ago (January 25th, to be exact)...my body breathed a sigh of relief and my heart nearly doubled in size when we met our sweet boys.  I can vividly remember being amazed to see that there were two pink little babies...not that I hadn't been aware of the fact that we were expecting twins, but still shocked.  I don't have words to describe how it felt to see those two babies...hard to take it all in.  I can't imagine how mom's of higher order multiples must feel.  gulp.

Bringing them home from the hospital was such an overwhelming experience.  Months of joy, diaper-changing, round-the-clock-feeding, crying (both mine and theirs) and trying to keep our heads above water followed.  Sleep-deprivation left Brad and I in a fog...but, with hearts full of gratitude.  What a gift we'd been given.

Fast forward three years and today things look very different in our home.  We're now the parents of four little boys...not a baby in sight.  Gone are the diapers, we mostly sleep through the night, they are eating non-stop during their waking hours only, and we're coming out of the fog.

Here is what the dynamic duo is up to these days:

Caleb:

• Loves to talk and have conversation.  He loves to make people laugh.
• Eats a tremendous amount of food...yet, still weighs less than Matthew.  
• Some of his favorite foods are: oatmeal, cereal, granola bars, blueberries, bananas, beans, quesadillas, pizza, salad and he always requests a second helping of meat!  Such a carnivore!
• Loves to dance.
• Loves to go to church.  He asks several times a week if we can go.
• Says, "Amen!" with gusto!
• Loves to be tickled.
• Enjoys playing "rough" with his dad and older brothers.
• The library is among his favorite places to visit.
• Has really good manners.
• Screams/squeals loudly when his brothers take things away from him.
• Likes to pretend he is a doggie...and threatens to "slick" (lick) you.
• Almost always identifies himself as Matthew in a picture.
• Loves to ride his scooter and swing on our playground outside when it's warm outside.
• Loves his "Pa" (my dad) and always asks for "my Grace" (his cousin)
• Doesn't like to sit in time out.
• Can recognize nearly every letter in the alphabet (gets b and d confused, struggles with Q), knows his primary colors, can sort things according to size, understands spatial concepts (over, under, beside, etc), can count to 20 (sometimes skipping 16), and sings a ton of songs.
• Melts my heart when he asks to "snuggle up with me" on the couch.
• Weighs in at 31 pounds (80th percentile) and stands at 31 1/4 inches tall (81st percentile).
• Has completely stolen my heart...I'm wacky about that boy!

Matthew:

• Has a quick smile and loves to make people laugh.
• Loves to be tickled.
• Enjoys a good soak/playtime in the tub.
• Likes to pray before our meals.
• Almost always identifies himself as Caleb in pictures.
• Loves to read book and play games.
• Loves to play in the snow and jump on the trampoline in warm weather.
• Shows great remorse when he has hurt someone/broken something.
• Loves to go "bye bye" - anywhere!
• Enjoys fruit, salad, rice, quesadillas, fresh salsa, macaroni and cheese,green beans, and always requests desert.
• Loves to sing and dance.
• Enjoys dressing up and "playing" characters - pirates, buzz lightyear, or a superhero of some kind.
• Loves, loves, loves his daddy.  He is by far the biggest "daddy's boy" in our family.
• Gives the sweetest kisses.
• Recognizes all primary colors, understands spatial concepts, can count to 19,
• Weighs in at 39 3/4 pounds (81st percentile) and stands 35 inches tall (89th percentile).
• Has stolen my heart...I am totally crazy about him.

Happy Birthday Caleb & Matthew! 

To take a peek at their three year old photos, go to : http://stephanielyell.com/blog/2011/02/09/johnson-twins-full-post/

Another First...

We made it through the first Christmas without my mom.  I am learning that this grieving process is full of strange and unexpected twists and turns.  It doesn't always follow the path you think it will.  For example, the weeks leading up to Christmas were so incredibly difficult and complex, in many ways.  Sweet memories of holiday traditions that my mom created for my family were both a source of comfort and pain.  I loved remembering how she did so many special things to create meaningful traditions that served as an "anchor" for our family Christmas each year.  The pain was a result of traditions not created this year with my own family...I had imagined baking cookies with my mom and my boys, making my mom's famous fudge with her, and paying very close attention to how she made divinity - I have no idea how to create this treat that my hubby loves.  I was looking forward to sharing those traditions with my family...and my mom's death has left all of these things undone. I have never celebrated Christmas without my mom.  It feels strange.  There is still joy - after all, the joy of God's amazing gift in Jesus cannot be squelched by the sting of death.  Our boys were full of joy and excitement...and filled my heart with joy, too.  Such tender little ones full of wonder.  The celebration marched on, but in black and white instead of a rainbow of technicolor.  So much left undone...yet, life goes on.

Speaking of undone, there are constant reminders of things left undone.  My mom died at such a young age (only 63) and so unexpectedly.  There are reminders of a life in progress all around our house: a Billy Graham biography with her bookmark at the half-way point,   her "Jesus Calling" daily devotional book lying on the bedside table open the day before she died, projects that we had intended to finish, meals we were going to prepare, and the list goes on and on.  It's painful.

As I grieve, I am keenly aware of how my boys(including Brad) are processing my mom's death, too.  Sam was moved to tears....sobbing...on Christmas Eve.  He knew that Christmas wasn't the same with his "Gran."  It made him sad.  He kept saying, "It's just not the same.  It's not right.  I want her back with me."  Heartbreaking.  Walking through this season of grief with our boys has been the most difficult and tender time.  We've been honest, we've shared tears, we've validated their feelings, and reassured them of God's promises.

At first glance, Luke appears to be just fine...however, he fearful that I will "go away" like his grandma did.  He is never far from my side and is always seeking my affection.  Several times a day, I hear him say, "I am going to marry you, Mom."  "I am never going to break away from you, Mom."  "I don't want you to leave."  "I don't want you to go to Heaven."  I do my best to reassure him that his Daddy and I are doing all that we can to live a long life with him and that going to Heaven isn't scary - but, wonderful!  A few nights ago, we had just finished reading a bedtime story and we snuggle up close for a prayer together.  After the "amen," I hear his soft voice say, "Mom, if there was a fire at our house, would we all go to Heaven."  Poor sweet boy.  I assured him that Daddy loved us all so much that he made our house safe with fire alarms, smoke detectors, and fire extinguishers.  We talked about calling 911 and how firemen and policemen would come help us.  I reminded him of our family's plan to meet at our mailbox out front if there was a fire.  I tried to empower him to do something...equip him with some skills to help him cope.  I am just so unsure of what to say at times.  Grief is complex...the process is different for each of us.

Caleb and Matthew continue to talk about my mom as usual.  I wonder if they think that the 8 weeks she lived with us was like a "long visit" and now she has gone back to Indiana.  They remember things that Gran gave them, books she read to them, and things she said, like "Sweet Dreams" before bedtime.  I pray that they will "know" her through the photos and stories we tell them.  My mom loved them fiercely. 

Sam drew this on the chalkboard in our kitchen.  I love it!

Watching Matthew open a gift.

My dad (in the hat) passing out his gifts to the grandkids, Brad videotaping, Caleb (in striped shirt) apparently pulling his pants down.

So, we have survived yet another difficult "first" without my mom.  Some things were the same as always: gifts, matching pajamas, birthday party for Jesus, and time spent with our extended family.  Many things were very different, her presence was missed....something was "off" with our holiday celebration.  But, God was faithful and Christmas served as a powerful reminder of His goodness.  With God's help, we made it.