Silent.

My blog has been silent for the past few months.  Not because I lack things to write about, rather there is too much going on in my heart, my mind, my life...words don't come easily.  However, sleep wouldn't come easily tonight...and words seem to.

My dad had a heart attack in June.  I got the phone call that no one wants to receive from my oldest brother in the early hours of the morning.  I packed a bag and made the drive to Indiana.  Ten months after my mom's sudden death, I found myself in another hospital room.  Listening to the sounds of monitors, watching the blinking of lights on machines that were delivering medications, and did my best to take in what was really happening. 

Later that afternoon, I met with my dad's cardiologist.  He shared the ultrasound images of my dad's heart.  It was not good news.  I listened as he gently explained that the damage was severe, that blockages had gone undetected, and then he stopped.  He collected his thoughts and then went on to tell me that my dad's case was very different than any he had seen before.  My dad's heart was severely enlarged - not a normal symptom related to the heart blockages.  The doctor asked if my dad had experienced any traumatic emotional event in the past few months.  I felt my throat tighten and my eyes began to burn...I could feel the tears coming.  I explained that my mom had died earlier that year.  He told me that my dad was probably suffering from Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy or "broken heart syndrome" in addition to the other cardiac issues.  He smiled and said, "Your dad must have really loved your mom."  He mapped out what the next few days would look like...tests to be run, meds to be administered, and questions to be answered.  It was all just the beginning of a long journey.

After a week long hospital stay, my dad was released.  The docs told us that he was gravely ill and would most likely not survive a month.  The next few months would bring a decreased appetite and dramatic weight-loss, the placement of a permanent pacemaker/defibrillator, changes in his diet, and incredible fatigue.  The lack of energy seemed to bother him most.  We determined to take advantage of the time we had with him.  He shared time between his home in Indiana and our house here in Kentucky.  Making lots of memories with his grand kids, having really rich conversations about the past and the future, and just loving one another.  What a tremendous gift God had given us.

Nearly five months later, we find ourselves at another crossroads.  The hospice nurse tells us that he will most likely meet Jesus in just a matter of days now.  I find myself so thankful that his suffering will end and the joy will begin...but, my heart is also filled with sadness.  I will miss him. 

Although I am overwhelmed, I know that God is with me.  He loves me.  He is able to bear my burden.  He will carry me.

"The Lord your God goes with you; 

He will never leave you nor forsake you."  

Deuteronomy 31:6

 

2010 Christmas Letter

Matthew, Luke, Sam, & Caleb

Dear Friends and Family,

It has been a year of extreme highs and lows for the Johnson Family.  Among the greatest celebrations was my (Christina) mom’s retirement in late April.  She had worked very hard in her job as the executive director of a lovely apartment complex for retired folks.  She loved her job, but was eager to spend more time with her family.  A few months later, my parents moved to Kentucky.  We were all thrilled to have them close after living far apart for such a long time.  We were enjoying lots of great dinner conversations, lots of laughs, accomplishing a few home projects, and our boys were being spoiled by their grandparents.  It was wonderful.

 My mom became ill very suddenly in late August.  She suffered an acute aortic dissection (essentially an aneurysm of the aorta).  She had emergency surgery and survived three days before she went home to Heaven.  She had enjoyed nearly perfect health all of her life and was a vibrant 62 year old woman.  We were stunned and heartbroken.  Our extended family, our church family, and our friends have loved and served us well ...shining the light of Christ into this very dark time.   The hope of Christmas has special meaning for us this year.  Because of Jesus, we have the promise of forgiveness and a Heavenly home.  We are all stumbling along as we grieve…and are increasingly grateful for a Heavenly Father who is gentle with the broken-hearted. 

Our busy boys have been a source of joy and we’re so grateful.  Sam (7) is excelling in first grade.  He is an excellent student and a well-loved friend.  His imagination is unbelievable, he is funny, and loves all things Star Wars.  We’re most proud of Sam’s growing faith…several big conversations about Jesus have taken place over the past year.  What a precious gift to share with your child.

Luke (4) is enjoying playing the role of “big brother” while Sam is away at school each day.  The twins follow him around and obey (mostly) his every command.  He is a sweet friend to them and enjoys “teaching” them things.  Luke is an incredibly loving little boy and wants to marry his mom when he grows up.  {grin}  He also loves to wrestle, run, flip, jump on the trampoline, tumble, and the list goes on and on.  Luke loves superheroes.

Caleb (2) is the smaller of our twins, by about 5 pounds and a few inches in height.  He is incredibly funny and loves to make silly faces.  He has a very tender heart.   He loves to hug his mom and play with his brothers.  His most favorite activity of all is “wrestling” with his daddy!  Caleb loves music, candy, and his cousins. He has been entertaining us by singing, “Frosty the Snowman” the past few weeks.  While we have learned much about controlling his asthma and allergies, Caleb was briefly hospitalized this fall with pneumonia.

Matthew (2) mastered potty training a few months ago (much to the delight of his parents) and has become a “big boy” in every sense of the word.  He is fiercely independent and can often be heard saying, “I do it by myself.”  I am sure that this will serve him well in the future…however; it leads to some frustration now.  {grin}  Matthew is super snuggly, loves to pretend he is different “characters” (firefighter, daddy, superhero, a puppy, etc...), and enjoys story hour at the local library.  Matthew loves to dance, “play” his dad’s guitar, and does his best to keep up with the big boys. 

Brad continues to work diligently as a student and a teacher.  He is just a few courses away from finishing the classroom portion of his PhD in Biblical Studies.  There are many more “hoops” to jump through after that is finished, but we just take one step at a time.  He is an excellent student and even presented a paper at a theological conference in California last spring.  As a teacher of Biblical Greek, he is loved and respected by his students and colleagues.  In his favorite role of “daddy” he can be found wrestling, chasing, riding bikes, playing in the snow, and reading bedtime stories.  He installed a fence around our backyard this fall – always thankful for “extra security” with the kiddos.  We are outnumbered!

I have come to the conclusion that I am a better homemaker than I am a housekeeper, and I am okay with that!  We love having people over to our home and we do it quite often.  I am growing more comfortable with the fact that our house is never perfectly clean or tidy…but, pray that our guests feel loved and cared for.  My days are spent juggling mothering duties, attending story hour at the local library, volunteering at Sam’s school, trying to keep up with the laundry, and enjoying the occasional date with my husband.  I celebrated my fortieth birthday just a few weeks after my mom’s death…a somber reminder that this life is fleeting and so temporal.  With God’s help, I am learning to love more deeply, anger less quickly, savor each sweet moment with my little boys, and do my best to live well this life I ‘ve been given.  It’s a precious gift.

Each year at Christmas, I am reminded that God chose to reveal Himself to humanity in the form of a helpless little baby boy.  What a strange way to impact the world in such a powerful way – through a powerless infant.  I am so thankful for this strange and amazing gift…and for God’s amazing creativity in providing a savior that I can identify with.  We pray this Christmas you find yourself overwhelmed…not by gifts, parties, and decorations – but, overwhelmed by the goodness of God’s perfect and personal gift.  Jesus.

“This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.”  1 John 4:9-11

A Visit From The “Old Codger” and His Crew

Brad is a blessed man for many reasons… a lovely bride with mad cooking skills among  among the reasons are his grandparents.  His maternal grandparents {affectionately known as MaMa & PaPa – pronounced maw-maw and paw-paw} have lived long and faithful lives and played an important role in our boys lives.  MaMa had a stroke in January of 2009 and her health began to decline pretty quickly afterward.  She went to be with Jesus in May of that same year.  We miss her…a lot. 
PaPa has done his best to adjust to this “new normal” of living without his wife of over 60 years.  He recently took a trip “down home”, to his birthplace.  He visited with old friends and his siblings and their families who still live in North Carolina.  At 88 years old, PaPa has finally given up driving.  Brad’s brother drove PaPa, NeeNee Linda {Brad’s mom}, and Aunt Sherri {Linda’s sister} on their big adventure.  After a week full of fun, they stopped by our house for a sleepover before heading home to Indiana.  I guess they were looking to end their vacation with some extra excitement!  {snicker}  The Johnson boys excel in creating excitement!  This photo is proof.  Notice young Luke smiling politely for the camera.  Sam has PaPa’s hat and cane, pretending to be an old man.  Caleb and Matthew have stopped squirming long enough to capture this image.  George {the dog} seems to be the most obedient. Amazingly, PaPa is grinning from ear to ear.  What a good sport.  He loves these little squirrely great-grandsons of his. 

On a previous visit, PaPa had been working on a cross word puzzle {one of his favorites hobbies before his eyesight began to fail} and Sam was intrigued.  He very patiently explained the puzzle to Sam, clues to down words here…and across words there.  He asked PaPa how he knew all of the answers.  PaPa laughed {his grin is so broad that his eyes disappear – it’s adorable} and told Sam that when you live to be an “old codger,” you know lots of things.  So, thus began a new “inside joke” for PaPa’s stay.  We all called him the “old codger” and he loved it.   
All of the boys love crawling on PaPa and asking him questions about everything.  They took turns wearing his hat and walking with his cane…and he just took it all in.  It seemed like his heart was full.  I sure hope so…we love that “old codger.”

Overwhelmed...and Overdue

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed these days.  It's all sorts of good things that are making me feel this way.  We've hosted both sides of our families at our house over the past few weeks.  Some dear friends from out of town came to visit us, too.  Most recently, two of our former youth ministry students (siblings, who are now in college- eek!) came to spend a few days with the tribe.

It was wonderful to have so many people that we love in our home...and a blessing to be "loved on" by so many, as well.  Our boys seemed to understand that something special was going on...to soak up every minute spent with our visitors. They knew that something extra special was happening.   There were extra hands to hold babies, extra plates set at our big table, extra people to read books in the comfy rocking chair, extra people to laugh with, extra people to make us laugh (Wii fit is a riot as a spectator sport), extra giggles, extra hands to change diapers & wash dishes, and an extra special feeling that comes from being surrounded by people you love and who love you in return.  All of the excitement has left our boys a little bored now that we've returned to our normal life - with just the six of us. 

I am having issues uploading photos again...and I find myself coveting cameras.  That is a miserable feeling.  I know that I am blessed beyond measure, but there always seems to be just one thing that I am lacking.  I am so thankful that God is so patient with me.  {sigh}  Anyway, I have lots of fun pictures to post...I just can't get them uploaded from my camera to the computer.  I am working on it and will hopefully have a little "eye candy" for you soon.  Golly, those boys of mine are adorable.  {grin}

In the meantime, you can look forward to hearing all about:

• Sam's insomnia on Christmas Eve.
• Luke's joy in singing "Happy Birthday" to Jesus.
• Caleb enjoying Jesus' birthday cake immensely.
• Matthew's infectious joy as he opened gifts...saying "ooh" and "ahh" repeatedly.
• The wonderful way God is restoring health to our Caleb.
• My nieces, Ashley and Morgan, bringing my Mom & I to tears.
• The sweetness of our simple Christmas.
• Details of our visitors...and the fun!

It's coming...I promise! {grin}

We Survived Thanksgiving

Once again, we loaded up the tribe and pointed the mighty mini-van northward to Indiana.  The past few years, we have celebrated Thanksgiving with our extended family in the Hoosier State and then stayed home for Christmas.  It allows us to remain in our pajamas until at least lunch time, take our time in reading the story of Jesus' birth (we read from a "grown up" Bible and a children's Bible), open our gifts leisurely (Sam struggles with this part...he gets incredibly excited {grin}), sing "Happy Birthday" to Jesus and blow out the candle on His cake, and then enjoy a big holiday meal together.  All without the stress of having to rush out the door with bags in hand.  It's one of the best decisions we've made as parents.  In spite of missing our extended families, it just feels right for our little family.  So, we make the trek to Indiana for Thanksgiving to be with our loved ones.

Traveling with four little men ages 6 and under is madness.  Our parents live just over an hour away from one another and both live in very small houses.  After all, they are empty nesters.  My mom always makes a comment about how small their space is ...and I always reassure her by saying something like, "This house works perfectly for you and dad 98% of the time.  When my family invades your space, we swallow it up."  It's true...we are a tribe of 6!  So, when you take four little men out of their normal routine, strap them in a car seat for 4 hours, give them a "nap" while en route, and then put them in an unfamiliar place to sleep for the night.  Trouble is bound to come!  For the most part, it's fine.  However, it's exhausting to shuffle things around: suitcases, pack and plays, diapers, clean clothes, dirty clothes, cameras (to capture the images of memories being made), coats and hats, and at least a million other items.  We had planned our time to maximize the fun and minimize the disruption...or so we thought.  It seems that something always happens to mess up our well-laid plans.  {grin}  Caleb struggled a bit with his asthma, his breathing was rapid and he was wheezing. Thank God that I felt the "nudge" to pack the nebulizer machine in our suitcase.  We needed it.  Brad and I were able to handle it, and it felt good to know what to do.  He was up several times throughout the night.  I gave him breathing treatments and prayed over him.  Such peace comes from knowing that when your little one is sick, you can call on God for help and healing.  He is faithful to hear and answer prayer.  I am so grateful to know that God loves my boys even more than Brad and I do.  Amazing.

So, we ate (a lot), we drove (a lot), enjoyed being with our family (a lot), enjoyed a lunch with our youth-ministry friends (a lot), and then we headed home.  We made some sweet memories along the way, too.  I treasure the opportunities for our boys to spend time with Brad's grandfather...he loves watching them and gets a kick out seeing their latest "tricks."  {grin} In fact, we were so busy making memories, that I didn't take a single picture!

Cup Full...and Running Over

Life is really getting in the way of my blogging lately. Well, then again, I guess I wouldn't have much to blog about if it weren't for my life. {grin}

It feels like our family is in one of those "spots" we find ourselves in from time to time. You know, the calendar is full, Brad's workload is tremendous, we've had lots of fun house guests, Brad travelled out of town overnight, and the list goes on and on.

In the midst of all of this activity, God has been doing something in my heart. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but, I am (kind of). {grin} I am usually a better listener when my life is quieter. This season of my life has been anything but quiet - quite loud, in fact. However, my God knew that my well was dry...and in His perfect timing, He is filling my cup. Lent has always been a special time for me...walking the path of suffering with Jesus and remembering how badly I need a Savior. That sort of love - sacrificial to the point of death - is so difficult for me to understand. However, I am so thankful that it isn't mine to comprehend...but, just to accept. So, I have spent several weeks being reminded of God's amazing love for me in spite of my rotten, sinful life. It's humbling and very overwhelming. My heart has been so full of gratitude for His grace that I have often found myself weeping through my daily Bible study, or during my prayers with my little men, or while a song is playing on my Ipod, or while I am driving down the road, or while singing a hymn at church....you get my point, my heart is full to overflowing and it is leaking out of my eyes! {grin}

On Good Friday, I was doing the bedtime routine with Sam (5) and Luke (3). Luke was overly tired and had difficulty listening. Sam, on the other hand, was totally drawn into the words and pictures of Jesus trial, suffering, and death. His eyes were brimming with tears as he shared that it made his heart sad that Jesus died. At one point, Sam said, "I sure hope this story gets better...it's making me sad." My tear-stained face broke into a smile as I thought of how thankful I am that it hurts his heart to know that Jesus died for him. We talked about why Jesus had to die, how He took our punishment (this concept was so foreign to Sam - he said he wouldn't dream of taking a "time out" for Luke), we talked about how much God loves us. It was a special moment that is forever etched into my heart and mind. A gift from the Father to me and my son. Sam, Luke, and I said our prayers and then I kissed them goodnight. Sweet.

I was so looking forward to celebrating Easter...Brad's brother was coming to visit us (always fun!), so it would be even more special. I had prepared some of our dinner on Saturday evening, filled some baskets with goodies for each boy, and then went to bed. I woke up the following morning covered in HIVES! Red, blotchy, incredibly itchy hives covered my body from head to toe. I was unable to go to worship and I was crushed. I really wanted to be there - to see the lilies, sing the songs, see the little ones in their Easter pastels, and to be with my church family on this special day. God had another plan. Our celebration was more intimate, more informal, more simple, and more dear to me. We ate a yummy dinner, we laughed, we played, we searched for eggs, we ate candy, we shared lots of hugs, and we remembered how good God had been to us.

Our dear friends (missionaries who once served in Ecuador) taught our family this sweet little song from my childhood in Spanish. My children all love to sing this song and it's dear to us. It sums up how I am feeling these days.

"Running over, running over

My cup is full and running over

Since the Lord saved me, I'm as happy as can be

My cup is full and running over"