Happy Birthday, Jesus!

The advent/Christmas season is such a rich time for our family.  We have deep-seated traditions that add meaning and act as an "anchor" of sorts for our family.  My boys know that we will drive around in our pajamas looking out the foggy windows of our minivan to see every light display in nearby neighborhoods.  They count on making and icing Christmas sugar cookies...being sure to add as many sprinkles as possible.  My boys know that we will gather with our extended family for food and fun.  They know that we will watch Linus remind us of the "real meaning of Christmas" at least once each year...and they also know that I will wipe my moist eyes when sweet Linus has finished.  {grin}  Sam, Luke, Caleb, and Matthew will probably always expect to receive new pajamas each Christmas Eve (matching, of course).  My boys know that we will bake/decorate a birthday cake for Jesus and sing to him on Christmas day (although, I hope they don't remember that the only candle I had in the house this year was in the shape of a "9").  I hope that someday (if the Lord should tarry and they are blessed with family's of their own) my boys snuggle under warm blankets and read special books about the amazing gift God gave the world in His sweet baby boy, Jesus.

As much as I love these traditions, they make my parent's absence even more noticeable.  It's sort of a bittersweet time.  This time last year, my dad had just recently gone home to heaven and it was our second Christmas without my mom.  It's hard.  My own childhood was rich with family traditions...my mom was crazy about Christmas!  My heart is filled with the joy of Christmas and my heart aches to celebrate with my parents.  Things are good...but, very different.  Sometimes, my heart longs for what used to be. 

More than any temporal feeling of happiness or sadness, my heart is filled with joy.  The kind of joy that comes from a friendship with Jesus.  What an amazing thing to know that God wanted so desperately to know us...really know us and for us to truly know the depth of His love for us - that He sent a baby.  As a mother, this part of God's plan is not lost on me.  A helpless, adorable, needy, sweet baby was sent to save the world.  Amazing. 

Another First...

We made it through the first Christmas without my mom.  I am learning that this grieving process is full of strange and unexpected twists and turns.  It doesn't always follow the path you think it will.  For example, the weeks leading up to Christmas were so incredibly difficult and complex, in many ways.  Sweet memories of holiday traditions that my mom created for my family were both a source of comfort and pain.  I loved remembering how she did so many special things to create meaningful traditions that served as an "anchor" for our family Christmas each year.  The pain was a result of traditions not created this year with my own family...I had imagined baking cookies with my mom and my boys, making my mom's famous fudge with her, and paying very close attention to how she made divinity - I have no idea how to create this treat that my hubby loves.  I was looking forward to sharing those traditions with my family...and my mom's death has left all of these things undone. I have never celebrated Christmas without my mom.  It feels strange.  There is still joy - after all, the joy of God's amazing gift in Jesus cannot be squelched by the sting of death.  Our boys were full of joy and excitement...and filled my heart with joy, too.  Such tender little ones full of wonder.  The celebration marched on, but in black and white instead of a rainbow of technicolor.  So much left undone...yet, life goes on.

Speaking of undone, there are constant reminders of things left undone.  My mom died at such a young age (only 63) and so unexpectedly.  There are reminders of a life in progress all around our house: a Billy Graham biography with her bookmark at the half-way point,   her "Jesus Calling" daily devotional book lying on the bedside table open the day before she died, projects that we had intended to finish, meals we were going to prepare, and the list goes on and on.  It's painful.

As I grieve, I am keenly aware of how my boys(including Brad) are processing my mom's death, too.  Sam was moved to tears....sobbing...on Christmas Eve.  He knew that Christmas wasn't the same with his "Gran."  It made him sad.  He kept saying, "It's just not the same.  It's not right.  I want her back with me."  Heartbreaking.  Walking through this season of grief with our boys has been the most difficult and tender time.  We've been honest, we've shared tears, we've validated their feelings, and reassured them of God's promises.

At first glance, Luke appears to be just fine...however, he fearful that I will "go away" like his grandma did.  He is never far from my side and is always seeking my affection.  Several times a day, I hear him say, "I am going to marry you, Mom."  "I am never going to break away from you, Mom."  "I don't want you to leave."  "I don't want you to go to Heaven."  I do my best to reassure him that his Daddy and I are doing all that we can to live a long life with him and that going to Heaven isn't scary - but, wonderful!  A few nights ago, we had just finished reading a bedtime story and we snuggle up close for a prayer together.  After the "amen," I hear his soft voice say, "Mom, if there was a fire at our house, would we all go to Heaven."  Poor sweet boy.  I assured him that Daddy loved us all so much that he made our house safe with fire alarms, smoke detectors, and fire extinguishers.  We talked about calling 911 and how firemen and policemen would come help us.  I reminded him of our family's plan to meet at our mailbox out front if there was a fire.  I tried to empower him to do something...equip him with some skills to help him cope.  I am just so unsure of what to say at times.  Grief is complex...the process is different for each of us.

Caleb and Matthew continue to talk about my mom as usual.  I wonder if they think that the 8 weeks she lived with us was like a "long visit" and now she has gone back to Indiana.  They remember things that Gran gave them, books she read to them, and things she said, like "Sweet Dreams" before bedtime.  I pray that they will "know" her through the photos and stories we tell them.  My mom loved them fiercely. 

Sam drew this on the chalkboard in our kitchen.  I love it!

Watching Matthew open a gift.

My dad (in the hat) passing out his gifts to the grandkids, Brad videotaping, Caleb (in striped shirt) apparently pulling his pants down.

So, we have survived yet another difficult "first" without my mom.  Some things were the same as always: gifts, matching pajamas, birthday party for Jesus, and time spent with our extended family.  Many things were very different, her presence was missed....something was "off" with our holiday celebration.  But, God was faithful and Christmas served as a powerful reminder of His goodness.  With God's help, we made it.

Back At It

Wow...I think I have been struggling with some writer's block, some serious lack of motivation, or just feeling overwhelmed in how far I have gotten behind here at the ol' blog.  But, I think I am  ready to get back at it.

As promised in the last post, I gotta few things to cover from the holiday season.   We'll do it bullet point style!

• We hosted our second annual “Johnson Gingerbread Party.”  Sam and Luke each invited a friend over to decorate a gingerbread house one Sunday afternoon.  It was such gooey, sugary, sweet fun to watch our boys and their friends be creative.  Much fun was had and much candy was consumed.  {chuckle}
• My sweet little Sam certainly has his mother's blood coursing through his veins.  He suffers from the same excitement and anticipation issues as I do.  {grin} I can vividly remember being so excited for Christmas to arrive that I would lay awake for hours before finally falling asleep on Christmas Eve...only to awaken a few hours later and then trying to convince my parents that 3:30 am was a great time to begin the celebrating! The Lord used these sweet childhood memories to help me give Sam the extra grace he required on Christmas Eve.  He woke up at around midnight (just minutes after I had finished placing the gifts under the tree and stuffing stockings) and asked me to snuggle with him because he was having trouble getting back to sleep.  I called upon my own childhood memories and mustered the strength to stumble to his bed with him.  We lay in the dark whispering and giggling...I am so thankful that God caused me to be gracious to Sam...I could have missed making that sweet memory with him.  Did I mention that he finally fell asleep at 4:30 am?  Oh yeah, he was awake again at 6:30 am ready to go!
• Christmas day was simply sweet.  It was just the six of us enjoying the day in our old Kentucky home.  We sang "Happy Birthday!" to Jesus and enjoyed some of His birthday cake for our breakfast.  This tradition began back in 2004 and it's one of my favorites...and I think the boys enjoy it, too.
• Luke sang "Happy Birthday, Jesus!" for weeks on end, both before and after Christmas.  It made my heart smile to hear his sweet voice singing this song of praise.  {grin}
• Matthew was so excited about his gifts on Christmas.  He is a man of few words, but is always expressive.  His eyes open wide, his eyebrows raise, and his mouth forms a perfect little "o" shape as he says, "Ohhh!"  and "Wow!"  and "Ahhh!"  Such a sweet boy who truly appreciated each gift.
• Caleb took on the job of reminding me to turn on our outdoor Christmas lights each evening.  He’d run to the love seat in our living room and look out the window while instructing me to   “Turn on, Mommy!”
• Sam used his allowance money to buy gifts for each of his brothers.  We did our shopping at the dollar store - lot's of options for a boy with $5 in his hand.  He thoughtfully chose a gift for each of his brothers and took great pride in wrapping them himself.  

            Caleb opening his well-wrapped  gift from Sam.

 

• The sight of my four boys in matching pajamas on Christmas Eve thrills my heart.  I know that this is not normal...but, as a mom of all boys - there are so few "clothing related" joys! {giggle}
• As an afterthought, I bought a very inexpensive gift for the boy’s stockings.  A package of 4 silly glasses/nose things (what are they called anyway?) for one dollar.  These turned out to be the “hit” of the day.  We laughed at one another and really got our money’s worth of them. Luke and Sam…so stylish. 

 

Is that Peter Pan in disguise or Matthew?

 

• The boys and I all enjoyed having more time with Brad during the holidays.  Things are always better when Daddy is home.  {grin}

I think I am on a roll now….getting excited about getting caught up.  So many more good stories to tell about how God is restoring Caleb’s health, time with our extended family’s over the holidays, and the twin’s second birthday celebration!  I really am back at it!

Overwhelmed...and Overdue

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed these days.  It's all sorts of good things that are making me feel this way.  We've hosted both sides of our families at our house over the past few weeks.  Some dear friends from out of town came to visit us, too.  Most recently, two of our former youth ministry students (siblings, who are now in college- eek!) came to spend a few days with the tribe.

It was wonderful to have so many people that we love in our home...and a blessing to be "loved on" by so many, as well.  Our boys seemed to understand that something special was going on...to soak up every minute spent with our visitors. They knew that something extra special was happening.   There were extra hands to hold babies, extra plates set at our big table, extra people to read books in the comfy rocking chair, extra people to laugh with, extra people to make us laugh (Wii fit is a riot as a spectator sport), extra giggles, extra hands to change diapers & wash dishes, and an extra special feeling that comes from being surrounded by people you love and who love you in return.  All of the excitement has left our boys a little bored now that we've returned to our normal life - with just the six of us. 

I am having issues uploading photos again...and I find myself coveting cameras.  That is a miserable feeling.  I know that I am blessed beyond measure, but there always seems to be just one thing that I am lacking.  I am so thankful that God is so patient with me.  {sigh}  Anyway, I have lots of fun pictures to post...I just can't get them uploaded from my camera to the computer.  I am working on it and will hopefully have a little "eye candy" for you soon.  Golly, those boys of mine are adorable.  {grin}

In the meantime, you can look forward to hearing all about:

• Sam's insomnia on Christmas Eve.
• Luke's joy in singing "Happy Birthday" to Jesus.
• Caleb enjoying Jesus' birthday cake immensely.
• Matthew's infectious joy as he opened gifts...saying "ooh" and "ahh" repeatedly.
• The wonderful way God is restoring health to our Caleb.
• My nieces, Ashley and Morgan, bringing my Mom & I to tears.
• The sweetness of our simple Christmas.
• Details of our visitors...and the fun!

It's coming...I promise! {grin}

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

The month of December has been chock full o' blessings...and the page on the calendar hasn't even been turned yet.  It always feel strange to begin a calendar for the new year...everything about it feels odd.  The pictures aren't the same style, the font is different, it's squares aren't full of activity, and the new year just looks "odd" to me.  2010 just seems foreign.  Okay, that is enough about my new calendar...I am sure that our relationship will grow over the coming months.  Just in time for me to welcome my 2011 calendar.  {grin}


I managed to choose the least horrible picture of our four little men for a Christmas card.  Don't misunderstand, the Johnson boys are incredibly handsome and photogenic.  We have such amazing individual shots of them.  Getting a terrific photo of the four of them is much like nailing Jell-o to the wall.  If you have more than one child, you know what I am talking about.  Caleb is drooling, Luke is crossing his eyes and sticking out his tongue, Sam is looking at a squirrel across the yard, Matthew is sticking his finger up his nose, or my favorite - when we ask the "big" boys to "hold" their little brothers, someone always ends up in a choke hold.  So, it's rare to get a good pic of all 4 boys.  I figure anyone getting our Christmas card this year understands our situation, and they'll have to laugh along with us.  Speaking of the Christmas card, this year I was so on top of things.  I ordered the cards early, wrote the letter in record time, and then failed to buy postage stamps for the next 3 weeks!  Go figure.  Getting to the post office is not high on my priority list, I suppose.  {grin} They finally got mailed on December 22nd. 

We buy only three gifts each for the boys, so shopping would seem easy.  However, when you get a few gifts, you have to choose wisely.  I managed to get it nearly completed in one full day.  Whew!  Now, we are just preparing for Jesus' birthday party.  Gotta bake a cake & get out the party hats!  Then we'll make final preparations for our family who is visiting from out of town tomorrow.  Can't wait to see them!   It is the most wonderful time of the year!

Catch Up - Not to be Confused with Ketchup

The little men in their Christmas Pajamas. This was the best photo out of 6 - getting them all to look at the camera is like nailing gelatin to the wall!

Caleb wrestling Matthew to the ground...lot's of this happening now that they are very mobile!

The Fab Four after "Treats on Main" here in Wilmore. The main downtown street is closed off and businesses hand out candy and have games set up for the kiddos. Big Fun! Notice Mr. Incredible, the two M&M's, and Luke as himself. He chose to not wear his Buzz Lightyear costume - opting for the more non-traditional costume of a "2 year old boy." (grin)

Okay, I have shared before that while I take a lot of pictures - I am terrible about loading them onto my computer. That is why I am just now loading pics from the fall! We have this "mega sized" card in our camera, so it can hold several hundred pics. It isn't terribly difficult to do it - simply plug it into the USB port and turn on the camera. I have been thinking about why i don't do it more often, it really would be fun to show updated pics of the handsome young men living in this house (and that handsome big man who lives here, too). I think I procrastinate because it forces me to look at my very untidy "digital photo album' on my computer. It's a disaster - photos from every year and season all jumbled together. Oh sure, I have created little folders...I got lots and lots of them...the pics just don't always end up in them. Sometimes the pics end up in multiple places - and then I am unsure as to whether it's the only copy of it or if it exists in another folder somewhere. UGH. I need to start over...too bad I have over 6 years worth of pictures to wade through.

We're Getting There...

Whew...it's been a rough couple of weeks. The boys have been sick. Noses have been wiped, tears have been dried, babies have been rocked, nights have been sleepless, medications have been dispensed, the doctor has been called...and I think we're beginning to see signs of life in our home again!
A visit with our pediatrician confirmed my suspicions...Luke, Caleb, and Matthew all have one infected ear and a sinus infection. Ugh. Poor little guys. After the preparation and actual visit to the doc - I was exhausted too. I had no idea how much "cold weather" would affect my "preparing for departure" time. :) Packing the diaper bag with necessary supplies, shoes for 4, getting 4 coats/hats/mittens on, starting the van so it can be toasty when we get in, and then loading the 4 little men into the "momma mobile" - it takes a long time! The boys were wonderfully behaved - perfect little gentlemen. Sam shook the doc's hand and introduced himself and his little brothers. What a riot!
So, we are at home...recovering from our first illness in a looonnnggg time. Thank God we've been healthy for nearly a year. This is the twins first visit for an illness. We're blessed.
We're slowly but surely getting ready to celebrate Christmas. As the fog of illness lifts, we are doing more and more to welcome baby Jesus. Sam and I baked cookies today, I have done a little bit of shopping, food has been purchased for the feast, and the tree is finally up with lights - but, no ornaments yet. We're getting there...