Silent.

My blog has been silent for the past few months.  Not because I lack things to write about, rather there is too much going on in my heart, my mind, my life...words don't come easily.  However, sleep wouldn't come easily tonight...and words seem to.

My dad had a heart attack in June.  I got the phone call that no one wants to receive from my oldest brother in the early hours of the morning.  I packed a bag and made the drive to Indiana.  Ten months after my mom's sudden death, I found myself in another hospital room.  Listening to the sounds of monitors, watching the blinking of lights on machines that were delivering medications, and did my best to take in what was really happening. 

Later that afternoon, I met with my dad's cardiologist.  He shared the ultrasound images of my dad's heart.  It was not good news.  I listened as he gently explained that the damage was severe, that blockages had gone undetected, and then he stopped.  He collected his thoughts and then went on to tell me that my dad's case was very different than any he had seen before.  My dad's heart was severely enlarged - not a normal symptom related to the heart blockages.  The doctor asked if my dad had experienced any traumatic emotional event in the past few months.  I felt my throat tighten and my eyes began to burn...I could feel the tears coming.  I explained that my mom had died earlier that year.  He told me that my dad was probably suffering from Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy or "broken heart syndrome" in addition to the other cardiac issues.  He smiled and said, "Your dad must have really loved your mom."  He mapped out what the next few days would look like...tests to be run, meds to be administered, and questions to be answered.  It was all just the beginning of a long journey.

After a week long hospital stay, my dad was released.  The docs told us that he was gravely ill and would most likely not survive a month.  The next few months would bring a decreased appetite and dramatic weight-loss, the placement of a permanent pacemaker/defibrillator, changes in his diet, and incredible fatigue.  The lack of energy seemed to bother him most.  We determined to take advantage of the time we had with him.  He shared time between his home in Indiana and our house here in Kentucky.  Making lots of memories with his grand kids, having really rich conversations about the past and the future, and just loving one another.  What a tremendous gift God had given us.

Nearly five months later, we find ourselves at another crossroads.  The hospice nurse tells us that he will most likely meet Jesus in just a matter of days now.  I find myself so thankful that his suffering will end and the joy will begin...but, my heart is also filled with sadness.  I will miss him. 

Although I am overwhelmed, I know that God is with me.  He loves me.  He is able to bear my burden.  He will carry me.

"The Lord your God goes with you; 

He will never leave you nor forsake you."  

Deuteronomy 31:6

 

Monday, Monday…

Another weekend has flown by at lightning speed…how does that happen?  The other five days of the week often crawl by at a snails pace – but, the weekend is over in the blink of an eye.  Maybe our time together as a family is so little and so precious that we try to cram in too much. 
The boys are all coming down with a cold.  The amount of sneezing and snotting going on around here is amazing.  If it weren’t so gross, it would be impressive.  I am constantly armed with a tissue…and my services are needed often.  There are many things I will miss about having young children…wiping noses will not be one of them.  Oh yeah, and reassembling sippy cups after they have been washed will also not be on  my list of “things missed” from this season of motherhood. 
However, the bonus of having little ones who are a bit under the weather is that there are many more snuggles and opportunities to smooch their soft, chubby cheeks.  I am also reminded that a passing cold is annoying, but not such a big deal.  When I get tired, frustrated, and annoyed with the things that go along with having ill little ones…I try to remind myself to be grateful (sometimes, it even works).  Somewhere there is a mom who has a sick little one who doesn’t have access to good health care or a mom who has a little one who is chronically ill and would love to only have a nose to wipe instead of an entire daily routine to care for them.
So, I am learning to pray more – asking for God’s help.  I desperately need Him to help me be patient when I am tired, to remain calm when it’s chaotic, and to remain grateful for the joy of mothering these little men of mine.  

So, when life has you in a tight spot – call on the Lord & be thankful!  {grin}

The Lord is near to all who call on Him, 

to all who call on Him in truth.     

Psalm 145:18

It Was a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

The blog title & the above photo say it all - yesterday was rough. I even considered moving to Australia, just like the children's book, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. Bullet points may be helpful...it was intense (at least from the mom's perspective). {grin}

• All four boys started sneezing, running fevers, and spewing snot in mass quantities late Tuesday afternoon. The babies are whining like mad and the big boys are grouchy.
• Sam had mild "night terrors" Wednesday night...calling out, rolling around in his bed - but, still sound asleep. He woke Luke up more than once. Neither of them got good sleep (their mom didn't either).
• After lunch, Sam & Luke were playing in the living room. Luke pushed Sam and it hurt his feelings. He was laying on the couch trying to explain to Luke that he didn't like to be pushed...when, Matthew bonked him on the head with a plastic mug he had stolen from the kitchen table. A large, purple, painful looking goose-egg appeared on Sam's forehead. He was obviously in pain, tired, and frustrated. The tears flowed. I scooped him up and sympathized with him...and then a crying Caleb began to crawl up on Sam. Caleb got frustrated that his climb wasn't easy - and he pinched Sam. Sam howled. He was just frustrated beyond words. Caleb and Sam were crying...Luke & Matthew were watching in horror. {grin}
• I told Sam how sorry I was and that Caleb didn't intend to hurt him. It was as if a flood of emotion broke in his heart...he began to cry, saying, "I just want you to hold me. Pay attention to me, not a baby." His words pierced my heart...and I fought to hold back my own tears. Sam clung to my neck so tightly as his heart broke. ugh. It was bad. I quickly prayed and then began to tell Sam all of the reasons I love him. I told him that his Daddy & I do lot's of things to show him how special he is: special "dates" with only him, breakfast with daddy each morning before anyone else is up (they are both early risers), our special "school time" when the 3 little ones are napping, reading books and praying together each night, etc...
  
• Caleb continued to cry while I was comforting Sam. Sometimes I just wish I had more arms for holding little ones or could clone myself for just a bit (I mean seriously, two of me would be a bit much) {grin}.
  
• All of this happened as I was trying to get the twins ready to leave for an appointment with our pediatrician (18 month old well visit). It was chaos and I was overwhelmed.
• Poor Brad came home from work to stay with the big boys (he is such a good man) and found us all in a mess! I finally peeled Sam off of my body and managed to get the little men loaded into the van. I began to cry as I pulled out of our driveway. Nasty thoughts like, "You will never be able to meet their needs. There isn't enough of you to go around. Why did you have all of these children if you can't care for them?" began to fill my mind. I sobbed...and then, I prayed. As I prayed, I was reminded that Satan is a liar - and he was whispering lies in my ear about my mothering. Each boy has been a gift from God to us..and I am the God-chosen mother to each of them. I called my friend, Granola Mom, and left an unintelligible message on her answering machine. I babbled something about praying for me and being under spiritual attack. What a great message to receive! {grin} I chatted with my dear friend, Deb, and she reminded me of God's truth about who I am and how He loves me. Deb had the wisdom to tell me that Sam was just expressing the cry of everyone's heart - notice me, pay attention to me, love on me. God soothed my heart and I managed to pull myself together before I arrived at the pediatrician's office.
  
• While waiting for the doctor to arrive in the exam room, the nurse was asking a few questions about Caleb & Matthew. As I answered, I undressed Caleb and then let him toddle around the room. He walked across the small room to look out the window. He bent down to look at something on the floor, and hit his eye on the edge of the window sill. He burst into tears and I scooped him up. The nurse noticed he was bleeding. She went to get the doctor...and 20 minutes later, our doctor arrived. We've always been pleased with the care we've received - but, I thought this was a bit long to wait under the circumstances.
• After cleaning the wound, she determined that stitches weren't necessary. She applied 6 steri-strips (looks like small pieces of tape to hold the wound closed). The cut is deep but very small.
  
• Sweet little Matthew sat silently in the stroller while the doctor and I tended to Caleb. Not a peep out of him the entire time. I kept looking at him and giving him a reassuring smile. He just grinned in return and waved to me. {melt my heart}
• Matthew was examined and she found he had a double ear infection. So, no immunizations for them since they were both feverish and feeling badly.
  
• Aside from the eye gash and ear infection, both boys are healthy and growing along just fine.
• We came home to find that Sam was much happier after a two hour nap (he gave up napping nearly 18 months ago).
  

I am often asked, "How do you do it?" I hear people say, " I don't know how you do it. I could not do what you do." The truth of the matter is...we can't do it. I am not gonna lie, there are times when I think I am going to lose it (my mind, that is). Raising our four little men ages five and under is a challenge at times. I am learning that we simply can't do it alone. This may not be such revelatory news to most, but I need to be reminded from time to time. I am a get'r done kind of gal...just buck up and do it. But, we can't do it alone by God's design...we aren't intended to live alone, do it alone, or be without a community. God has designed us to be in relationship with Him, rely on Him, use His strength rather than our own, and to trust Him to do what He says He will do. It was a rough day, but God is still so good.

"The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped."
Psalm 28:7

Random Thoughts

I just finished cleaning the kitchen...it's late and I'm tired, but the music on my Ipod helped me to find some "joy" in my job tonight. While I was cleaning, my mind was full of very random thoughts. Among the thoughts was, "I should write this stuff down. Some day I'll look back on this season of my life, and I will have forgotten how sweet it was and how God was working in my life."
So, here it is:

• Sam (5) has a very good friend just two doors down from our house. They play together several times a week - at our house or his. Joshua and Sam ride bikes in our cul de sac nearly every night after dinner. They do their best to avoid hitting Luke - who has no appreciation for the "rules of the road." {grin} Joshua and Sam have so much in common: they are both 5 (S was born just 3 days before J), they are both gentle and tender-hearted boys, they are both easily intimidated by aggressive children, they both enjoy super heroes and Star Wars (although neither of them has seen the movie). When Sam returned from a play date at Joshua's a few weeks ago, I asked what they had played. Sam said, "We played Joseph." I wracked my brain trying to think of what this meant - a new Star Wars guy? I pressed Sam for more information and he replied with, "Mom, like Jesus being born...his mom and dad." These boys are so blessed to have one another - and we are so blessed to have friends like the Chen family to walk alongside as we each work to honor God in raising our sons to be men of God.
• I never thought that getting older would be a blessing, but it is. I am really growing in confidence in the Lord and who I am in Him. For example, I am more willing to just simply obey - even when I don't understand. It isn't always easy...but, I am learning to do it without questioning. Mind you, it's in small ways...but, I am learning. For example, I was shopping for groceries very late one night last week...and I dreaded it. It seems that the store is full of grumpy parents and very tired children who should be in bed...instead, they are crying and getting reprimanded by their parents. It makes me crazy! So, I prayed on my way to the store that I would have grace for the task...and that there would be no angry parents shouting at their children. Sure enough, I passed a dad and his three young children in the frozen food section. They were talking and laughing, so sweet. The dad pulled his littlest boy close and hugged him tight and told him he was so glad to be his daddy. I nearly cried...but, instead I smiled. Our paths crossed several more times as we each made our way up and down the aisles. At one point, I overheard the little girl ask if they had enough money to buy Che*t-os. The dad did some quick calculations in his head, and excitedly answered "Yes, we do!" She grinned from ear to ear. As I was leaving, I passed them in the "arcade" area near the exit. They were laughing and enjoying the driving game together. I walked through the exit and then immediately knew that I was to go back and give them a few more dollars to play games with. I had a short conversation with God in my mind, "Are you serious? I don't even know them? I am really a shy person..." I knew God would win...so, I looked into my wallet and found a 20 dollar bill, and three 1 dollar bills. This was a miracle in itself - I rarely carry more than a few dollars in cash. So, I went back in...sheepishly approached them and told the dad that he had blessed me. I told him that I loved watching him really enjoy his children...his little girl grinned at me and said (in a thick southern accent), "My daddy is the best!" I handed him 3 dollars (thinking my hubby wouldn't be happy about me giving a stranger 20 dollars for games) and told him to enjoy a few more games on me. As I walked away, I heard him say, "Yippee, 12 more games!" I still can't believe that God asked me to do that - but, I am so thankful that I did. I told Brad about this...he said, "Why didn't you give him the twenty?" I love that man!
  
• My heart is breaking for those who have had a bad experience with the church...and been hurt deeply as a result. Not sure what to do about it just yet...but, I feel like God is working.
• I stink at being consistent in disciplining my children. ugh. Sometimes, I just get tired or lazy.
• I am really more rebellious than I would like to be. For example, when people ask if we are finished "growing" our family (always asked with a twisted face that implies we'd be foolish to have more children)...I secretly long to answer with something like, "actually, I am expecting" or "we are adopting." I know that our family is large by some standards, but it's all relative (pardon the pun {snort})...many families are much larger than ours. Usually, I smile and say how blessed we are...and that we're not certain what God has in mind for our family.
  
• I love being a mom of boys.
  
• I don't have anxiety about Sam beginning Kindergarten this fall. He is a momma's boy and I know he'll struggle initially. However, he is so ready to go - academically and socially. It's going to be a huge adjustment for all of us. I think I am really going to miss having him around in the afternoon.
• Matthew is sick with a virus of some sort and running a really high fever...I know it's twisted, but I have really enjoyed some extra snuggles with him today! The twins are on the move constantly these days, so snuggles are more difficult to come by.
  
• Caleb is obsessed with sitting on the couch. The only problem is that he has no idea how to get down...or that the fall could be painful. It is a source of anxiety.
• Matthew is a climber, for sure. He scaled the kitchen chair and onto the table in a matter of seconds while Brad was filling his sippy-cup with milk. Can't even imagine what this will look like in a few weeks. ugh. The joys of boys!
  
• Luke has worn through another pair of shoes in just 4 short weeks. He has this little "green man" riding toy that he loves dearly...he zooms up and down the driveway and he uses his feet to brake. I bought another pair of "durable looking" shoes. We'll see how long they last.
• My husband is an entrepreneur at heart. He always has something brewing in his mind. It's sometimes a source of stress for me...I value stability! (grin) However, God is teaching me to truly love my hottie boy for who he is...just as God intended him to be. So, Brad is teaching me through his ventures into gardening, composting, rain water collecting, fish guiding, etc... and I am learning to enjoy the ride. {grin}
• I love that God still uses music to stir my heart and make my eyes leak. It makes me wish I could sing well...or at least on key. I love that He loves my praise anyway! What a good God!