overcome.

It's nearly two o'clock in the morning.  My boys are sleeping soundly, I can hear Brad breathing softly in the bed next to me...I should be sleeping.  My body is exhausted, but my mind won't follow it's lead.  So, I crawl out of my warm bed and stumble into the living room.  I find my Bible and search for comfort.  It's one of those nights when sleep won't come, but grief does. 

I miss my parents terribly.  My heart aches for what should have been.  It simply wasn't supposed to be this way. Who would ever imagine that within 15 months both of your parent's would die?  It simply wasn't in my plans...or theirs, for that matter.  Still, I find myself here...in this place of grieving, in spite of my well-laid plans.

Grief is such a strange road to walk.  At times, I am completely at peace.  I am confident that my Mom and Dad are with Jesus.  There is simply no greater comfort.  I know because of His saving work on the cross, I can be with them again someday in Heaven.  While there is tremendous peace, it doesn't erase the pain of loss.  It's a source of comfort - but, not a cure. 

Some days, it's as if a tsunami of grief and sadness threaten to overcome me.  Usually, these feelings creep into my mind late at night...when the duties of my day are finished.  My hands are idle, but my mind is not.  At times, I struggle to discern if this is simply the way of grief or if it's a spiritual battle.  Is the enemy whispering worry into my heart and mind?  I am being tempted to replay the past instead of looking to the future?

At times, I feel simply overcome with grief.  The loss is tremendous. The pain goes deep.  I enjoyed a great relationship, a friendship, with my Mom and Dad.  They loved me, my husband, and my little boys so well.  I miss their support and encouragement.  I miss the way my mom would celebrate with me when one of my kiddos accomplished something.  I miss my dad saying, "Well, hello girls!"  when he walked into our house to find my boys waiting for him to arrive.  I miss my mom helping me clean the kitchen and folding laundry when she visited...she wanted to bless me. 
My mind is flooded with images of my parents tonight.  I can see vividly my sweet mom's face as I prayed with her just before her surgery.  While she would miraculously survive the complicated procedure to save her life...I would never really see her again.  Days later, we learned that she had no brain function.  She was already gone.  Shocking - she had been healthy just days before.  I'm overcome with sadness.

I remember walking into my dad's hospital room just eleven months later to find him attached to all sorts of wires and tubes.  He had suffered a massive heart attack.  The cardiologist explained that he had literally suffered from a "broken heart."  The physical heart is enlarged as a result of some major emotional trauma.  Typically, the heart returns to normal size within a couple of months.  Not so with my dad.  He suffered physically for months, but managed to make some unforgettable memories with his family along the way.  We all showered him with love and he showered us, too.  In my mind, I can see him sitting in a wheelchair in the cardiologist's office, waiting for his pacemaker to be turned off.  He had made peace and he was ready to go home to Heaven.  The tsunami of grief threatens to overwhelm me again. 

After wading through the sadness, hot tears on my cheeks, and a heaviness in my heart...I realize that I am not overcome.  Grief and sadness may threaten to rob me of my joy, but it's impossible.  I will not be overcome because of Jesus.  His death and resurrection have overcome death and despair.  Jesus has taken my sadness, grief, and sin as His own...and overcome death forever.  Even the most powerful feeling cannot change that.  Thanks be to God.

"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”  

John 16: 32-33

Cup Full...and Running Over

Life is really getting in the way of my blogging lately. Well, then again, I guess I wouldn't have much to blog about if it weren't for my life. {grin}

It feels like our family is in one of those "spots" we find ourselves in from time to time. You know, the calendar is full, Brad's workload is tremendous, we've had lots of fun house guests, Brad travelled out of town overnight, and the list goes on and on.

In the midst of all of this activity, God has been doing something in my heart. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but, I am (kind of). {grin} I am usually a better listener when my life is quieter. This season of my life has been anything but quiet - quite loud, in fact. However, my God knew that my well was dry...and in His perfect timing, He is filling my cup. Lent has always been a special time for me...walking the path of suffering with Jesus and remembering how badly I need a Savior. That sort of love - sacrificial to the point of death - is so difficult for me to understand. However, I am so thankful that it isn't mine to comprehend...but, just to accept. So, I have spent several weeks being reminded of God's amazing love for me in spite of my rotten, sinful life. It's humbling and very overwhelming. My heart has been so full of gratitude for His grace that I have often found myself weeping through my daily Bible study, or during my prayers with my little men, or while a song is playing on my Ipod, or while I am driving down the road, or while singing a hymn at church....you get my point, my heart is full to overflowing and it is leaking out of my eyes! {grin}

On Good Friday, I was doing the bedtime routine with Sam (5) and Luke (3). Luke was overly tired and had difficulty listening. Sam, on the other hand, was totally drawn into the words and pictures of Jesus trial, suffering, and death. His eyes were brimming with tears as he shared that it made his heart sad that Jesus died. At one point, Sam said, "I sure hope this story gets better...it's making me sad." My tear-stained face broke into a smile as I thought of how thankful I am that it hurts his heart to know that Jesus died for him. We talked about why Jesus had to die, how He took our punishment (this concept was so foreign to Sam - he said he wouldn't dream of taking a "time out" for Luke), we talked about how much God loves us. It was a special moment that is forever etched into my heart and mind. A gift from the Father to me and my son. Sam, Luke, and I said our prayers and then I kissed them goodnight. Sweet.

I was so looking forward to celebrating Easter...Brad's brother was coming to visit us (always fun!), so it would be even more special. I had prepared some of our dinner on Saturday evening, filled some baskets with goodies for each boy, and then went to bed. I woke up the following morning covered in HIVES! Red, blotchy, incredibly itchy hives covered my body from head to toe. I was unable to go to worship and I was crushed. I really wanted to be there - to see the lilies, sing the songs, see the little ones in their Easter pastels, and to be with my church family on this special day. God had another plan. Our celebration was more intimate, more informal, more simple, and more dear to me. We ate a yummy dinner, we laughed, we played, we searched for eggs, we ate candy, we shared lots of hugs, and we remembered how good God had been to us.

Our dear friends (missionaries who once served in Ecuador) taught our family this sweet little song from my childhood in Spanish. My children all love to sing this song and it's dear to us. It sums up how I am feeling these days.

"Running over, running over

My cup is full and running over

Since the Lord saved me, I'm as happy as can be

My cup is full and running over"

My Sweet Sam

It's been a day...actually, the past few days have been tough ones. We travelled to Indiana for Thanksgiving with our extended families - and returned home on Monday. We were all out of sorts, babies sleeping schedule was WAY off, Sam & Luke were tired, Brad was exhausted and facing the end of the semester stuff at school, and everyone was getting a cold. In addition to all of that, I have spent the last three days trying to unpack bags and wash the mountain of laundry. ugh.

I'll be honest and admit that I have not been in a "good" place emotionally or spiritually. I struggled to get my regular quiet time with God while we were away, didn't have access to my praise music to keep my eyes on Jesus, and it was stressful. Returning home to the "hectic" schedule that Brad has this time of year only made it worse. He is wrapping up the classes he teaches (grading papers, final exams, etc...), finishing up a major paper for one of the PhD classes he is taking, and then preparing for an intensive week-long class he will take next week. AGH!!! He has been leaving early, coming home for a few hours at dinner time, and then heading back to the library after the littlest boys are in bed at 7:00 pm. I miss him. Double ugh.

So, I have been struggling to find joy in my work these past few days and I have certainly not been "working as unto the Lord" - more like complaining and griping about every little chore I do. This is not typical of me - and my kids have noticed. Sam asked me why I was grumpy. Luke offered me one of his cookies. :) Such sweet jestures from my little men.

A few months ago, a sweet friend gave me a children's devotional book called, "Step Into The Bible" by Anne Graham. Sam, Luke, and I have been reading it together each night and loving it! It's a short, age-appropriate story from Scripture, a few discussion questions, and a new memory verse each seven days. Tonight, we read about Samuel. My sweet Sam listened intently as I read about Hannah's prayer for a son, God's faithfulness in giving her Samuel, Hannah keeping her promise and giving Samuel back to God, and then God calling Samuel. After we talked briefly about the questions, I prayed. After I finished, Sam covered his face with his hands and said, "God, I thank you Lord....and for praise to you. Help me put all that I learn down in my heart. Amen." Oh, how my weary heart was blessed beyond measure at the sincere prayer of my oldest son - so very wise at the tender age of five. He got a little emotional, which of course brought me to tears! I thanked him for sharing such a sweet prayer, told him that God loved him so much, and shared that his daddy and I were praying that he would someday answer God's calling just like the Samuel in the Bible. Oh, what a blessed day that will be!

Pastor Jamie comes calling...

We are blessed to be part of a church family that truly values children as members of the Kingdom. The children's ministry is committed to helping us to grow our boys up in faith and love. Sam has several adult "friends" at church who really love him...and make him feel like he is so special. Just a wink from Mr. C.V. or a pat on the back from Miss Jean leaves Sam grinning from ear to ear. It's a given that Brad and I are NUTS about our boys - but, what a sweet thing it is to see someone else loving on your kiddos.
This afternoon, Sam was having his "quiet time" in our room while the little ones napped. He loves to look through books on our bed. :) Our pastor dropped by to give Sam a card. I thought this was sweet, but odd. Sam has never received a card from Pastor Jamie before, after all. :) Our Pastor and his wife were over for dinner last weekend. Apparently, Sam and Jamie had a conversation on the couch. Sam shared that he is concerned that he doesn't know everything about God. Pastor Jamie reassured Sam that he doesn't need to know everything. He told him that Jesus loves him and that is the most important thing to know. His card thanked Sam for sharing his heart with him and reminded him that Jesus loves him very much. I truly believe that our church loves children so dearly because our pastor does. Pastor Jamie models this love and it's contagious. Thank God for this church family!