Another First...

We made it through the first Christmas without my mom.  I am learning that this grieving process is full of strange and unexpected twists and turns.  It doesn't always follow the path you think it will.  For example, the weeks leading up to Christmas were so incredibly difficult and complex, in many ways.  Sweet memories of holiday traditions that my mom created for my family were both a source of comfort and pain.  I loved remembering how she did so many special things to create meaningful traditions that served as an "anchor" for our family Christmas each year.  The pain was a result of traditions not created this year with my own family...I had imagined baking cookies with my mom and my boys, making my mom's famous fudge with her, and paying very close attention to how she made divinity - I have no idea how to create this treat that my hubby loves.  I was looking forward to sharing those traditions with my family...and my mom's death has left all of these things undone. I have never celebrated Christmas without my mom.  It feels strange.  There is still joy - after all, the joy of God's amazing gift in Jesus cannot be squelched by the sting of death.  Our boys were full of joy and excitement...and filled my heart with joy, too.  Such tender little ones full of wonder.  The celebration marched on, but in black and white instead of a rainbow of technicolor.  So much left undone...yet, life goes on.

Speaking of undone, there are constant reminders of things left undone.  My mom died at such a young age (only 63) and so unexpectedly.  There are reminders of a life in progress all around our house: a Billy Graham biography with her bookmark at the half-way point,   her "Jesus Calling" daily devotional book lying on the bedside table open the day before she died, projects that we had intended to finish, meals we were going to prepare, and the list goes on and on.  It's painful.

As I grieve, I am keenly aware of how my boys(including Brad) are processing my mom's death, too.  Sam was moved to tears....sobbing...on Christmas Eve.  He knew that Christmas wasn't the same with his "Gran."  It made him sad.  He kept saying, "It's just not the same.  It's not right.  I want her back with me."  Heartbreaking.  Walking through this season of grief with our boys has been the most difficult and tender time.  We've been honest, we've shared tears, we've validated their feelings, and reassured them of God's promises.

At first glance, Luke appears to be just fine...however, he fearful that I will "go away" like his grandma did.  He is never far from my side and is always seeking my affection.  Several times a day, I hear him say, "I am going to marry you, Mom."  "I am never going to break away from you, Mom."  "I don't want you to leave."  "I don't want you to go to Heaven."  I do my best to reassure him that his Daddy and I are doing all that we can to live a long life with him and that going to Heaven isn't scary - but, wonderful!  A few nights ago, we had just finished reading a bedtime story and we snuggle up close for a prayer together.  After the "amen," I hear his soft voice say, "Mom, if there was a fire at our house, would we all go to Heaven."  Poor sweet boy.  I assured him that Daddy loved us all so much that he made our house safe with fire alarms, smoke detectors, and fire extinguishers.  We talked about calling 911 and how firemen and policemen would come help us.  I reminded him of our family's plan to meet at our mailbox out front if there was a fire.  I tried to empower him to do something...equip him with some skills to help him cope.  I am just so unsure of what to say at times.  Grief is complex...the process is different for each of us.

Caleb and Matthew continue to talk about my mom as usual.  I wonder if they think that the 8 weeks she lived with us was like a "long visit" and now she has gone back to Indiana.  They remember things that Gran gave them, books she read to them, and things she said, like "Sweet Dreams" before bedtime.  I pray that they will "know" her through the photos and stories we tell them.  My mom loved them fiercely. 

Sam drew this on the chalkboard in our kitchen.  I love it!

Watching Matthew open a gift.

My dad (in the hat) passing out his gifts to the grandkids, Brad videotaping, Caleb (in striped shirt) apparently pulling his pants down.

So, we have survived yet another difficult "first" without my mom.  Some things were the same as always: gifts, matching pajamas, birthday party for Jesus, and time spent with our extended family.  Many things were very different, her presence was missed....something was "off" with our holiday celebration.  But, God was faithful and Christmas served as a powerful reminder of His goodness.  With God's help, we made it.

My Lukey Boy

 

Our second born son, Luke(4), is quite an amazing little boy.  He is full of silliness, lots of "tricks" and jokes, big warm hugs, smooches for his Momma, questions, a tender heart and an occasional bit of wisdom.  Now that Luke's older brother is away enjoying first grade for a full day, Luke is the "big man on campus" during much of the day at our home.  His mornings are spent playing with his little brothers, reading books with Mom, and entertaining all of us.  While the littlest brothers are napping, Luke and I are working on some school skills.  He loves it and I think I am enjoying it even more.  The learning is fun - he is a bright little guy and it's fun to watch him discover new things.  But, our conversations are what I treasure most about our time together.  I am doing my best to remember them, write them on my heart...I don't want to forget his precious heart and his innocence.  Here are a few recent conversations:

Having measured himself on our family's growth chart earlier in the day, Luke had some questions about growing up.

Luke: Mommy, when I grow up, I am going to shrink back down to be a boy.
Me:  Luke, that sounds like fun.  But, God made our bodies to grow up just one time.  When you are a big man like Daddy, you will stay a big man.  You only get one chance to be a little boy - that is why Daddy and I try to make it so much fun for you.
Luke:  But, I don't want to grow up.
Me:  Why not, honey?
Luke:  Because grown ups drink coffee and I don't like coffee.

The conversation from today was heart-breaking and a precious gift all wrapped in one package:

Luke: Mommy, how did Gran get to Heaven with Jesus?
Me: (pausing to pray that God would give me words)  Well, Luke, Jesus came to carry her to Heaven.  He didn't want her to be afraid, so He came to get her because He knows the way to Heaven and Gran had never been there before.
Luke:  (smiles sweetly)  That's nice.  Can we go pick her up for Thanksgiving?
Me: (fighting back tears)  Oh, Luke, that is such a nice idea.  I really wish we could do that...it would be so fun to spend time with Gran.  But, Heaven is the kind of place you never want to leave.  It's so wonderful and Gran is so happy there.
Luke: Oh, okay.

I am so thankful for this little boy who challenges me as a mother and loves me with a God-sized love.  What  a gift to be his Mommy.

Late Night Gifts

I don't have the emotional fortitude or the energy to blog these days.  I am finding the loss of my mom to be the most brutal experience...yet, there has been such great beauty in this difficult journey.  God has revealed Himself in such powerful and unmistakable ways that it has lightened the load of my heavy heart.  So thankful to serve a God who is compassionate and kind.  I know that I need to blog about the journey, for my own record and for God's glory.  I don't want to forget a single act of His goodness.  Tonight, I was reminded of this truth.

A few weeks ago, two to be exact, Caleb was having some trouble breathing...his asthma had reared it's ugly head.  After a long evening/night in the Emergency Room, he was admitted to the hospital.  We would spend our weekend there - receiving breathing treatments around the clock and spending lots of quality time together snuggling and reading books.  Hospital stays are torture for a little boy who is accustomed to a pretty regular routine...everything is different.  Late Saturday night, as I was drifting off to sleep (I was provided a hospital bed & Caleb had a very institutional looking crib), I heard Caleb's voice say, "Hello."  It was as if he had answered the phone.  I listened closely...and heard him say, "I'm fine."  ....followed by a long pause.....then, he said, "I love you too, Gran.".....long pause......"goodbye."   I was in that in-between state, not fully asleep but not fully awake.  I initially thought he had the cell phone and was pretending to speak to my mom.  So, I got up to check things out.  He didn't have the phone, it was plugged into the outlet near my bed.  I asked him who had he been talking to, he replied very matter-of-factly "my Gran."  I don't know what to make of this...I am honestly not a person who is looking for "signs" from my mom...I know she is in Heaven and is fully surrounded by the Glory of God.  I just don't know what to think of this.  I finally decided to accept this "gift" spoken from my sweet little boy into the darkness of a hospital room as just that - a late-night gift from my Heavenly Father.

Fast forward to tonight, nearly 2 weeks later.  Caleb woke up coughing and crying...in need of his mommy's comfort.  I picked him up from his crib and we settled into the comfy rocking chair in the nursery.  He began to talk ...this is roughly how the conversation went:

Me:  I am sorry you woke up coughing.  Let's snuggle for a little bit until you feel better, okay?
Caleb:  Okay, Mommy.  I was coughing.
Me:  I know, sweetheart.  But you are okay.  Let's pray that God will help you to feel better. (then I prayed a simple prayer asking for God's comfort and healing for Caleb).
Caleb:  Mom, Jesus loves me.  He will take care of me.  
Me: Cal, you are exactly right.  Jesus does love you so much...He will help you to feel better.
Caleb:  Mom, Jesus made Gran feel better.  Gran is with Jesus.  She is so happy.
Me:  You are right, Cal.  She is so happy with Jesus.


So, yet another "late night gift" sent from God from the lips of my sweet little two-year-old boy.  I am so grateful.

"The Lord gives strength to his people; The Lord blesses his people with peace."

Psalm 29:11

 

We Lived to Blog About It...

Whenever one of our children gets sick, I breathe a prayer asking God to not allow all of our boys to be sick at the same time.  It's been a personal fear of mine since adding the twins to the family.  I just can't begin to imagine how Brad and I would care for all four of them at once.  Images of me having not showered for days, wearing holey pajamas, and my hair standing on end come to mind...oh, wait...that isn't so hard to imagine.  {snicker}

Last week, the inevitable happened.  It began with Caleb.  He had sneezed a few times before he went to bed on Wednesday night and then woke up Thursday morning with a runny nose.  By lunchtime, he was sounding "breathy" (like he was breathing more rapidly than normal), so I gave him a breathing treatment.  I prayed and then put him down for his afternoon nap.  When he woke up, I checked his respiration rate (I'm fairly certain that low 30's is normal for a little guy his size - and anything over 40 would be cause for concern) - it was 46.  He was beginning to sound "wheazy."  I gave him another breathing treatment and called our pediatrician's office.  I made an appointment that would allow me to get Sam from the bus and then jet to the office to see the doctor.

I called Brad at his office to let him know what was going on.  He suggested that I call a babysitter to stay with the other boys so I wouldn't have to take everyone.  I love that man!  So, the sitter arrived and off we went.  The doctor saw him and suggested another breathing treatment...not much help.  She took some blood for evaluation, she checked his blood oxygen level, did a chest x-ray...and ultimately, decided to send us to the hospital.   She suspected Caleb had viral pneumonia.  The doc went to write hospital orders for us.

Brad was in class (we only have one cell phone - and I had it), so I called the seminary's switchboard to see if someone could get a message to him.  The person who answered explained that they couldn't leave and there was no one to deliver a message to Brad.  I cried.  Then, I called my friend, Jodie.  She always seems to know just what to say and do.  She told me how sorry she was and then quickly volunteered to go to my house (taking her own 2 kiddos with her) to relieve the sitter and put my little ones to bed.  I love her and my kids love her, too.  I was worried for Caleb - but, now had total peace about my boys at home.  Moments later, the cell phone rang.  It was Brad! {grin}  Someone had delivered a message to him!  God is so good!  We talked for a minute - exchanging concerns and plans for the evening.  Brad would go home to be with the other boys and I would go to the hospital with Caleb.

As I drove to the hospital, I called my parents to let them know what was happening.  My mom said, "Do you want Dad and I to come tonight or early in the morning?"  I love that my parents don't hesitate to help us when we need them.  Such a blessing.  We agreed that there was nothing they could do that night, so they would leave to make the four hour drive the following morning.

Caleb and I arrived at the hospital, parked in the large parking garage, and made our way to the pediatrics unit.  They immediately got to work registering us, getting Caleb into a little baby hospital gown {pitiful sight}, and then started an IV.  He would get some extra fluids, potassium, and antibiotics through this tube connected to his little hand. {another pitiful sight}  The nurses were kind...but, Caleb and I were grumpy.  We hadn't eaten dinner and it was past Caleb's bedtime.  We were getting settled into our room when a respitory therapist came to give Caleb another breathing treatment.  She hooked him up to the pulse/ox monitor (via a little probe taped to his toe) and then called the doctor to ask about oxygen.  She came back to place a little nasal canula in his nose and start the oxygen. {yet another pitiful sight}  It's a good thing that we liked this therapist, because she would be back every 2 hours through the night for another breathing treatment.  Caleb and I did not sleep much.  I was able to keep my cool...but, I was worried for Caleb, I missed my husband, and I missed my other boys.  I spent much of the night praying for my little man and thinking of all of the other mommy's sitting by the bedside of their sick little ones.

The sun finally began to rise and our pediatrician arrived soon after.  He told me that Caleb was a very sick little guy and that it would take some time for the meds to turn things around.  Brad arrived just after breakfast with a bag of things for me.  He stayed to hang out with Caleb while I showered.  Relief!  It was wonderful to see my hubby and terrific to get a shower and change clothes!  Brad left for work and Caleb and I just hung out.  He was tired, restless, and tethered to the machines by cords attached to his body.  It was hard to keep him happy.

Just before noon, my cell phone rang.  It was just out of my reach - and Caleb had just fallen asleep in my arms, so I let it go to voicemail.  I knew that my parents and Brad both had the direct number to the hospital room, and they would call if they needed me.  Turns out, it was Sam's school calling me to come pick him up.  Poor little guy had gotten sick and school.  After a round of phone calls, I had given the school verbal permission for my dad to pick Sam up.  He had a high fever and felt miserable.  I was so torn - wanting desperately to be in two places at once.  My mom snuggled with him, gave him plenty of liquids, and kept him medicated with ibuprofen to reduce the fever.  Soon after, Matthew would spike a fever, too.  It was incredibly difficult to feel pulled in so many directions.  I just kept praying that God would bring healing to my boys and peace to my heart.  Sure enough, He did!

We continued with round the clock breathing treatments, IV fluids and antibiotics, oxygen, and added percussions on his back to break up the "gunk" in his lungs.  He was restless and just not feeling well.  It was a full-time job to try to keep Caleb content.  We read more books than I would have ever thought humanly possible, sang more children's songs than I thought I knew, and cuddled so much that even my "needy boy" was satisfied.  The most difficult thing about our hospital stay was the "rages" brought on by the oral steroid he was taking.  It was tough to watch him just get so angry and frustrated that he simply couldn't control his emotions.  It happened once or twice - usually at night.  During these "roid rages" there was no comforting him.  I just held him close and whispered Scripture in his ear.  It was exhausting for both of us.{sigh}

Saturday, Brad came to the hospital to stay with Caleb so I could go home to see our other boys for a bit.  It was so good to see them - they all greeted me at the door with shouts of "Mommy!"  It did my heart good to see them...but, it was so hard to leave them a few hours later.  Sam tearfully asked if I could, "just go get Caleb and come home."  So sad.

I made my way back to the hospital and visited with Brad for a few minutes.  After he had gone, Caleb and I snuggled into my hospital bed for a bit.  The nurse came in to unhook his IV - and switched us to an oral antibiotic.  I was so encouraged!  After Caleb's next breathing treatment, the respitory therapist felt confident in removing the oxygen.  Dinner arrived shortly afterward (one nice benefit to the hospital stay - meals delivered three times daily!) and I managed to find some things Caleb would eat.  I gave Caleb a sponge bath and hoped we'd settle in for a better nights rest.  Our pediatrician arrived to check on him (docs come twice daily - morning and evening) and said his lungs sounded great!  He asked if we'd like to go home...I laughed in disbelief and asked if he was kidding.  He told me that Caleb sounded much better and we could give him the care he needed at home, where he would rest better.  I nearly did a cartwheel!  I just kept saying, "Praise God!  Praise God!"  The nurse removed the IV (although it had been unhooked earlier), disconnected the monitor, and began the paperwork for our discharge.  After getting instructions for his care at home from our doc, I dressed Caleb and packed our bag.  We were both a little giddy as we left the hospital.  It was 8:00 pm - an hour past his bedtime and he was asleep before we left the parking garage.

When we arrived at home, Caleb was a little unsettled - I think it was a combination of exhaustion, re-entry, and the steroids.  He snuggled a bit with my mom (his "Gran") and then went to bed in his own crib.  Sweet sight, for sure.  Doctors orders required breathing treatments every 4 hours for the next 3 days.  Medications were dispensed at several different times each day. It was like being in the hospital, only we had become the nurses & therapists.  The oral steroids and inhaled steroids combined were incredibly powerful.  His breathing improved dramatically, but he was wired!  His pupils remained fully dilated for days, his behavior was more aggressive, and his appetite was enormous. .  I am so thankful that Brad was willing to share the middle of the night breathing treatments with me.  Caleb usually ended up sleeping through all of the commotion.

We follow up in a few days with a chest x-ray to be sure the pneumonia is gone.  But, for now, we are just savoring every day we have with our healthy boy.  I was too busy to take pictures at the hospital - and my hands were full with my sweet baby boy.  I did manage to get a few as we were leaving.
For some reason, I am having trouble posting pics right now...we'll try again later.

Ready to go home!

 

IV is finally gone!

Caleb's crib and IV pump

My bed and our stuff waiting to be packed!

Meds to be given at home.

What a whirlwind of a week!

My husband, Brad, was away for a few days last week. Off to enjoy a well-deserved "mancation" with some of his dear friends from our home church in Indiana. These men love the Lord, love their families, love each other, and love to fish for SHARKS! That's right, they actually search out these large sea creatures with many teeth to chomp them with...I just don't get it. I don't think this kind of thrill-seeking is for a woman to understand, no matter how many times I read the book "Wild at Heart." {grin} Nonetheless, I am grateful that God has provided faithful men to encourage, challenge, and care for my husband..in a real "manly" way, of course. {bigger grin}

So, while Brad was away, my parents came to stay (what a fun little rhyme). My dad is retired, but my mom still works a demanding full-time (and then some) job. I love that my mom considers coming to my rowdy house the best way to use her vacation time. We accomplished so much during their ten day stay.

• We painted the front/back doors RED (posh red, to be exact), we planted some fun flowers in the pots on our front porch, my mom bought me a gorgeous hanging basket full of beautiful flowers to hang out front as well. I even bought a new welcome mat...our porch looks really inviting now.
• We planted day lilies along the fence row in our back yard...they are going to be beautiful as the mature.
• We washed the curtains in the kitchen, living room, and the boys rooms. We also washed the windows. It felt so good to get this done!
• We switched out the last of the winter clothes in exchange for some fun summer clothes. Matthew looked so cute in his little camo shorts!
• We went shopping for groceries, bought a blow-up pool for the boys, searched a neighborhood garage sale for bunk beds for Sam & Luke, and my mom even bought me a new pair of sandals! {grin}
  
• My Dad travelled nearly 40 minutes one way to look at some bunk beds that we found on Craigslist. We had to go to the owner's barn several miles away in a remote area, I was so glad that my dad was with me. We ended up not buying them, they were in terrible condition. My dad didn't even complain. {grin}
• We took the boys on a picnic at the park. It was such a blessing to be able to play with them and not be stressed out. It is anxiety-producing to try to watch all four of them and keep them safe in an environment like that. We had a great time...lots of giggling, running, swinging, and sliding.
• We found an answer to prayer, at our church, of all places. {grin} More on this later. It truly deserves a post of it's own.
  
• I bought a Bissel "Little Green Machine" and used it to clean our couch, love seat, and ottoman with my dad's help. I felt so good about this investment. The cost of the cleaner was less than one professional cleaning, and I will use it often. You can't even imagine how dirty it was and how lovely it looked afterward!

• My parents generously agreed to watch all four of the boys while I spent the day with my dear friend, Jodie. She is celebrating her 40th birthday this week, and her dear husband planned a very special day for her. I was her "host" as I drove her to shop for a dress & jewelry, took her out to lunch, enjoyed a "spa afternoon" with her - complete with a one hour massage and manicure. I had such a good time watching her get a haircut and style afterward - she looked amazing! Then, I delivered her to her home to her husband and took her 2 sweet girls home with me. Jodie and her sweet hubby went out to dinner at an amazing restaurant. Jodie is a really giving, selfless person...so, it was so fun to see her cared for and pampered. I was blessed to see her overwhelmed by her husband's extravagant love for her.
  

It was so nice to have my mom and dad here while Brad was away. I really enjoy their company and the truly helped to lighten the load in Brad's absence. It was a great week of memories made and relationships deepened. Today, we were all really sad after they left. I guess that is a good thing, right? {grin} Here are a few photos from our Memorial Day celebration.




Matthew really enjoyed the frog-shaped inflatable pool. He was so eager to get into the water, he wouldn't wait to take off his shirt! Matthew would have slept in the pool, had we allowed him. He was not happy about getting out.






Caleb feel in while waiting to get into the bathtub last week...earning him his second black eye. Poor little guy hardly complained at all. Hopefully, it looks worse than it hurt.
He thoroughly enjoyed his first Popsicle.





Brad blew bubbles for the boys...Sam and Luke never seem to grow tired of chasing them and popping them. Cheap entertainment for our entire tribe! Don't you love sweet tummies spilling over the waistband of their little swimming trunks? Too cute!